


with an if in its soul

by jillyfae



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Clary Fray, Background Isabelle Lightwood, Background Simon Lewis/Maia Roberts, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ensemble Cast, Explicit Sexual Content, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Grief/Mourning, Lydia Branwell & Alec Lightwood Friendship, M/M, Magnus Bane & Luke Garroway Friendship, Magnus Bane & Raphael Santiago Friendship, Magnus Bane & Simon Lewis Friendship, Max Lightwood Lives, Parabatai, Porn with Feelings, Team as Family, Temporary Character Death, Underhill is My Favorite Shadowhunter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-08 07:04:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14688981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jillyfae/pseuds/jillyfae
Summary: Magnus always knew he was terrible at losing people. This time is even more complicated than usual, but maybe he won't have do it alone.





	1. day one

**Author's Note:**

> This doesn't quite fit into the season 3a timeline, but the show doesn't really fit into it's OWN timeline, so we're going to PRETEND that there's a week somewhere after Maryse's family dinner but before the Owl Reveal when This Stuff Happened and Everyone Cried A Lot. 
> 
> The title is from _[this is a rubbish of human rind](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/browse?contentId=24812)_.
> 
> Also thanks and tea and cookies forever for [poemsfromthealley](https://poemsfromthealley.tumblr.com/) / [paperiuni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperiuni/works?fandom_id=6856609) and her brilliant beta-ing (and also much better blurb-ing than I managed).

There was a knock at the door.

Magnus frowned at the potion he was stirring. He didn't want to walk away from it. He pushed his wards out, just enough to see if they recognized whoever was there.

It was Jace. 

Jace never knocked.

Magnus pushed the wards out further, ignoring his potion, ignoring the trembling in his hands, ignoring everything.

Isabelle. Clary.

No one else.

_Knocking._

They didn't want to come in. They didn't want to...

If he didn't answer, he wouldn't have to know.

If he didn't move, they wouldn't have to tell him.

He destroyed his potion. Half his ingredients. A flare of magic and sparks and flames licking at the corners of his eyes.

He went to the door.

They didn't have to tell him anything. He met Jace's eyes, and there was fire under his skin and cold in his heart and he felt his glamour burn away under the surge of his magic. 

Jace didn't flinch.

"No."

Jace reached, and Magnus stumbled, and he could never forget the feel of Jace's hands gripping tight around his arms as they fell down to their knees.


	2. day two

Magnus woke, and stretched. He rolled over, and his arm fell onto the other side of the bed. It was cool and empty, and as he blinked himself awake he could see that the blankets were smooth, the far side still tucked in. 

He yawned and rolled the other way, snagging his phone off the nightstand. He was halfway through, g-o-o-d-_-m-o, his thumb hovering over the 'r' before he remembered.

His fingers froze, his lungs, his heart, his eyes. The screen was too bright, white and merciless.

There was no mercy left in the world. But he had to stay in it. He always had to stay in it.

He closed his eyes. He couldn't make the world go away by not looking at it. But he'd pretend. Just for a while, just until he remembered how to breathe. Maybe he'd never remember. That seemed as good a thing as any to hope for, considering all the hopes he couldn't hold onto anymore.

Until he heard a noise from the kitchen, and sighed, and his body breathed back in before he could get in his own way. Was it good or bad that they were all still here, that they hadn't left him alone to find out?

Not that they were doing noticeably better than he was.

Isabelle's voice was rough, unsteady. It cracked in implausible places, until you could hear the scream in the silence when she breathed. She was arguing. With someone. People. The phone. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

Jace's voice was gone entirely. His eyes were worse than Isabelle's silences. His hands still had blood on them. He refused to scrub it off.

Clary's eyes shone, her cheeks were damp, no matter how many times she tried to wipe them clean. They never stopped, they never dried, and still she kept moving, step after step, Isabelle to Jace to him and back again. Again. Again.

He hated her for it because she was doing it on purpose. She knew, they both knew, that the only reason his heart still beat was that it couldn't seem to stop echoing her footsteps. 

Maryse arrived. Her voice seemed steadier than Isabelle's, but he could see the pain in her eyes, in the line of her back. She was like a black hole, agony heavy enough to pull them all down with her if they got too close.

Magnus decided Maryse was his favorite living Lightwood.

Maryse took over the phone calls, the arguing. Isabelle dragged Jace somewhere else to clean up. Clary stayed, and made terrible tea.

Magnus waited for them to leave, to do their Shadowhunter ceremony somewhere behind closed doors. Wondered if it would finally feel real, afterwards.

Hoped it wouldn't.

Eventually Maryse stopped talking into the phone and came to talk to Magnus instead. He reconsidered her ranking as his favorite. "You'll need a white suit tomorrow."

Magnus just stared at her.

"For the ceremony."

"What ceremony." She couldn't mean what he thought she meant. He was a warlock. Downworlders didn't go into Shadowhunter chapels, or whatever they called them.

Something in Maryse's face looked broken, something in her eyes hurt as much as he did, but her voice was solid and implacable. "He'd want you there. So you'll be there."

Magnus inhaled, and hated that he felt it, felt the ache in his chest and the damp in his eyes and the scream in the back of his head that wouldn't stop and still, beyond that, something almost warm enough to be gratitude. "Just me?"

Maryse shook her head. "Luke will be there. If there's anyone else?"

It took a moment to bring his thoughts in line. "Catarina and Madzie Loss. The rest of the Downworld Cabinet."

Magnus heard Maryse's breath catch at that, as if she'd forgotten it wasn't just a personal event. Head of the Institute. Founder of the Downworld Cabinet. He'd accomplished so much in such a short time.

Magnus was supposed to have another fifty years at least, sixty years to watch him change the world.

_He hadn't been finished, how dare he leave._

Oh. Magnus had reached angry at him for dying already. That probably wasn't a good sign.

"I'll call Cat." Magnus managed to meet Maryse's eyes again. "The Cabinet members should get something more." Magnus waved his hand, trying to remember what he was saying long enough to say it.

"Formal." Maryse nodded, and turned. She didn't bother to say goodbye, or ask if he was going to be all right, or voice any of the terrible platitudes Shadowhunters were so fond of.

Magnus moved her back up the list. Definitely his favorite.


	3. day three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [[tumblr](http://faejilly.tumblr.com/post/174047818393)]

It was worse than he'd ever imagined.

It was an event.

Magnus couldn't do this. He couldn't be here. Here shouldn't exist. 

He couldn't even be impressed at here, at the place he never thought he'd see, the people who'd never been allowed inside before. It was too small a victory. It only made it hurt more. Such a clear line in the world now, _before_ and _after._

He'd thought he had more time.

He'd been so wrong.

He couldn't stand it, he couldn't do this.

He couldn't leave without saying goodbye.

He stayed. He watched as the room filled, almost overflowed, at least three-quarters of the Institute, shapes and faces vaguely familiar from passing them in the halls, in Ops. A half-a-mob of people he didn't recognize who'd presumably come from Idris. Including Lydia. She nodded at him, the shadows under her eyes dark enough to look like bruises, especially above cheeks that were much too pale. He closed his eyes at her. It was the best he could do.

The Inquisitor. He pretended he couldn't see her. She did the same. It was remarkably civilized of both of them. Raphael and Meliorn looked _thrilled_ to have been put near her as representatives, here in an official capacity.

Jace stood next to Magnus, a half a step away. There was a tremble in his hands. They didn't speak. It didn't help. It didn't not help either, which was better than Magnus had expected.

The surviving Lightwoods were all tangled together on Jace's other side. Maryse and Isabelle were clutching hands, Clary's arm was wrapped around Isabelle's waist. Max stood pale and trembling in front of his father, Robert's hands resting heavily on his shoulders.

Cat and Madzie had come in with Magnus, Cat's face too still, Madzie's eyes too wide as she clung to Cat's hand with both of her own. Magnus had shaken his head at them as he stepped towards the front of the crowd, and now they were sheltered next to Lucian's broad shoulders. Maia was on his other side, Simon beside her. Magnus had forgotten to give their names to Maryse. He was glad someone had remembered.

Simon was the only one who had met Magnus' eyes all day.

Simon had given him a hug, had braved the silence surrounding him when everyone else winced at the sight of him.

Magnus had maybe never given Simon enough credit for the ways in which he was strong.

He might feel bad about that, someday.

Not today. There were worse things to feel.

He never wanted to feel again.

He knew he would. That made it worse.

It wasn't much like any mundane funeral he'd attended, like the wakes the warlocks threw when they lost one of their own. No eulogies, no drawn out ceremonies, no long meandering holy recitations.

No booze.

The Consul herself stepped into the middle of the hall. Magnus assumed that was a compliment of some sort, and felt the bitter taste of anger in the back of his throat. They'd never bothered to show such respect before it came to a funeral. She took a breath, and the soft murmurs around them quieted. She spoke, her voice steady and quiet, and yet it filled every breath of space around them. 

"Those remaining will take their place with the fallen." 

Jace looked at Magnus, and Magnus looked at Jace, and they both stepped to stand beside the bier. 

There was a whisper moving through the crowd as they turned, and too many eyes were glaring at him, but Magnus didn't care. Jace had invited him, and Jace was the only person whose opinion mattered to Magnus at the moment.

Magnus had been trying not to look too closely, trying not to see past the scatter of petals, the sheer white cloth. It was impossible, now that he was closer, not to recognize the shape of the nose, the shadows of the face lying there. It felt like he was frozen, cold radiating from the bier, icy despair trying to claim the rest of them.

It was tempting to let it.

"Those remaining will say the name of the fallen." Jia Penhallow's voice quieted the whispers, and everything was too silent.

"Alexander," Magnus began, and it hurt, it burned in his throat and it cracked in his chest and he felt the magic try and spark off his fingertips. Jace reached out, his hand wrapping tightly around Magnus' wrist, tight enough to ground him, to stop him before he ruined this, his final chance to say goodbye. "Lightwood."

" _Pulvis et umbra sumus._ " Everyone in the hall spoke, their voices hushed and dim, and still they filled the air to overflowing, filled the room 'til it felt as if the stones beneath his feet hummed with them. " _Ave atque vale._ " 

_For we are dust and shadows. Hail and farewell._

Jace stepped back towards the crowd, and Magnus followed. Maryse nodded at him, and Isabelle managed something that was almost a smile, even through her tears. That hurt too, though it was more a dull ache, a throb echoing his heartbeat.

The Silent Brother did something with something glowy, and Penhallow turned, and a rune lit up on the wall and she and the Silent Brother raised their arms to their sides, _like wings, like flying,_ raised them higher, _like a benediction_ , and the whole room seemed to be holding its breath.

Magnus felt his eyes flicker over towards Cat, wondering if she was as confused as he was. Was someone supposed to be doing something?

Jace made a noise in the back of his throat, a noise that sounded like Magnus' heart felt. Jace lunged, and then he was halfway across the floor, his hands fisted in the Silent Brother's robes. He spoke for the first time in days, his voice raw and crackling, a portent of doom. 

"Where is he?"

* * *

Everyone was arguing.

Again. 

Still. 

The assorted funeral-goers had been dismissed. Magnus and Lucian had been _encouraged_ into the Downworlder-approved section of the Institute, back in the room where the Cabinet met. They were the only Downworlders who'd stayed for more of this lovely catastrophe. 

It was something about angelic blood. Angelic power missing, lost, _Alec missing, lost,_ and if Magnus thought about it too much he was going to go crazy and try and blow up the entire building, so he was trying very much not to think. 

It helped that they were here. It was hard to focus on the yelling when Magnus kept looking for Alec in the corners; he didn't think he'd ever been in this room without him. 

There were too many people here, too many Shadowhunters, not just Alec's family. Or not the family Magnus knew. But Institute-Alec had almost been a separate person, and now Magnus would never have the chance to get to know him, would never know who these extra people were, what they'd meant to Alec, what Alec had meant to them.

No one official, not yet, which was something. They were still... doing whatever they were doing. At least that meant he didn't have to worry about Clave officials or that looming Silent Brother watching them all fall to pieces.

"It's because of him!" Robert Lightwood's voice rose over the rest of them, and Magnus' attention wandered back to the present, to the sight of Alec's father glaring right at him. "He corrupted the angelic blessing, a warlock should never have been allowed—"

Maryse slapped him, hard enough that the crack of skin on skin echoed, and the whole room fell silent. Silent except for a strangled sob from Max, staring at his parents. Robert raised a hand to his cheek, and Maryse turned to Max, her face stripped bare of anything except grief and her hands curling and uncurling by her sides. 

"Max, I'm sorry." She took a step towards him and he stepped back away from her, bumping into the book-shelf behind him.

There was an odd trembling moment when no one moved, and it dawned on Magnus that they were all waiting for _Alec,_ waiting for him to kneel by his brother and somehow make it all better, because that's what he did.

What he used to do, because he made everyone feel better, because he was better with children than everyone else in the room combined. _Alec would have been..._ Magnus flinched away from that thought before it could go any further.

Magnus took a half-step towards Max, _for Alec,_ since no one else was, since he recognized the wide-eyed panic on Max's face, remembered it when it had been on his own face, so many years ago.

"Get away from my son!" Robert stepped towards Magnus, able to move in anger when he hadn't been able to move to comfort. "You've done enough damage."

 _If you think I could harm Alec, could harm_ a child _..._

He wasn't thinking, he couldn't, he was moving before he'd finished feeling the rage building in his chest, burning a path to his hands, dyeing the whole room orange and red and gold.

Lucian was in front of his hands, and Magnus almost screamed, pulling the magic back until his very skin sizzled, until his bones felt scorched. 

"Let it go, Magnus." Lucian's eyes weren't the right color, his wolf too close to the surface. "You have to let it go."

_I can't._

Magnus could feel the build-up of power, too much, too strong, could feel the evil in his blood hum with hunger.

"Maryse." Lucian didn't look away, but he raised his voice just enough to aim it somewhere else. "Is there anything in this room you don't need?"

"I've always hated that table. It's too Catholic for a room that's supposed to be for everyone." She answered immediately, easily, as if Magnus losing control wasn't anything to worry about, as if everything was perfectly normal.

Nothing was normal. 

Lucian pointed with his chin, and Magnus turned, and poured all his power out _,_ and the light flared so bright he thought he'd gone blind. He blinked, and there was no more table, no more cross, no more candles, no more red glass. Not even a splinter, a shard, a spill of wax, only a lingering scent of smoke in the air.

Alec would be so disappointed in him.

Magnus couldn't breathe, and he curled around the pain in his chest. What was he doing _,_ letting so much out, letting these people see, he never let anyone see so much of him.

 _Except for Alec._

He heard Max leave, running out into the hall, felt Robert step back, then closer again, but Magnus was too tired to care, too tired to anything _._ A Shadowhunter he didn't recognize stepped in between them, someone with sandy hair and a steady voice. "Your son went that way, sir. If I may?"

Whoever he was, he was clearly some sort of magical that Magnus had never encountered before, because it worked. He got Robert out of the room. He shot one quick glance back at Magnus, a glimpse of sympathetic blue eyes, before he shut the door behind them.

"Well." Lucian sounded tired. 

Magnus gave up, and curled further down, and sat on the floor.

It seemed easier.


	4. day four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [[tumblr](http://faejilly.tumblr.com/post/174080699008)]

Magnus refused to go back to the Institute. If the Clave decided the Downworlders were the reason their ceremony hadn't done its thing, there was no reason to be right there for them to arrest him. Or execute him for blasphemy. Or whatever.

But staying in the loft might have been a terrible choice of alternative. He could feel Alec in every room, see pieces of him scattered everywhere. He considered crawling back into bed and hugging Alec's pillow for the next year or ten. 

Until Cat and Madzie showed up unannounced, which he really should have been expecting. Cat had known him too long to leave him alone. Especially when he thought he wanted to be alone. After greeting hugs at the door, Madzie took about three steps in, and stopped. She stood still for too long, looking at Alec's boots. 

Magnus couldn't manage to do anything besides stand next to her and look at them too, until she decided it had been long enough, and continued on her way.

Madzie was successfully distracted by coloring, and Magnus collapsed on the sofa next to Cat. She gave him a sideways hug as he slouched closer to her. 

"No drink?" Cat asked, a hint of a smile on her face. 

Magnus shrugged, and Cat's smile faded into a frown. She looked even more worried than the last time someone he loved had died. He could kind of see why; he'd never before not been drunk by this point. But hurting over Alec was somehow better than _not,_ in a way he couldn't explain. If he tried he'd probably start bawling, which might scare Madzie.

Cat turned on his stereo, and leaned against his shoulder, and he tried not to think about anything at all.

He flinched at a knock on the door, and Cat patted his hand and started to rise. He waved her down and stood, though he felt his eyes burn, felt his breath stutter along the edges of hysterical giggling. 

No reason to be scared of the door. The worst had already happened.

He was surprised to see Lydia in front of the more-expected gaggle of Shadowhunters, and then he wondered why he was surprised. Of course she'd still be here. She wouldn't leave until she knew they were all going to be all right, for Alec's sake.

There were a lot of things Magnus was going to try and do, for Alec's sake. Someday. Not yet.

He stepped back, and waved them in, and tried not to sigh. There were only five of them, but it felt like too many for his loft to hold. They were all so young _,_ still children, and when did he get so old? When did he end up with all these people in his life? 

All of them were going to die on him some day. 

He really needed a drink. 

If he had one drink, he wouldn't be able to stop for at least the previously considered decade. No drinks. Not yet.

He followed the parade of ducklings back to the main room, which he supposed made him a duckling too, and he wondered who was in charge of this disaster, because if it was him they were all doomed.

They were already all doomed, without Alec.

Oh, he was delightfully maudlin today. Excellent.

His lips curled tight together as he looked at them milling around his apartment, and he let one hard breath out of his nose. This would never do. He clapped his hands together loudly, summoned a tea cart with a bright enough flash of magic that everyone stepped back. "All right, drinks, food, sit. Go on, now."

Cat covered her mouth, as if somehow he couldn't see the combination of laughter and tears in her eyes. _Yes_ , he was failing to cope all out of order this time, he'd noticed, _thank you very much, darling_. 

Clary stepped forward, mouth opening as if to tell him to sit too, tell him to stop, tell him she would help, but he lifted his hand, one finger pointed up. "Not now, biscuit. Please."

Clary nodded, though her eyes were gleaming again. She needed to turn around before she started crying, or he was going to start too, and they'd never get this whatever it was over with.

She did.

"Lydia." Lydia looked up from the cookie she'd been eyeing. Her braid was looser than he'd ever seen it, which made his fingers twitch to tighten it. "For you." 

He snapped his fingers, summoning the letter Alec had been working on. They'd been corresponding ever since she'd gone back to Idris with actual paper; it had been one part adorable and one part hilarious and now it was frighteningly close to tragic. She inhaled as it appeared, clearly knowing what it was; her eyes were damp and after he gave her the letter he had to point at her to knock it off as well. 

No one was allowed to start crying. He had no idea how he was going to enforce it, but he was determined _._ Somehow. 

"We're all disasters, aren't we," he muttered. 

Isabelle giggled, though it sounded suspiciously damp, so he switched his glare to her. She managed an actual smile in response, and Magnus blew out one long breath as his shoulders relaxed.

Cat snagged a piece of cake, and kissed his cheek, and slipped out with Madzie. 

Magnus found a seat and waited.

It didn't take long. Shadowhunters were very efficient when it came to food. That possibly explained a lot about the Lightwood children and their cooking.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of this deluge, then?" Magnus asked.

They were quiet for a moment, no sound except the quiet clink of porcelain as people put their cups down.

"The Clave is reinstating the ban on Downworlders at Shadowhunter ceremonies." Lydia was the one who spoke, her voice clear and steady and oddly soothing in its formal distance.

Magnus rubbed his thumb back and forth along the band of his signet ring. "They think whatever went wrong is my fault."

Clary scowled. "They don't have any idea, and if they blame you they don't have to admit it."

"There is no universe in which you being there could hurt Alec." Maryse's voice was soft, but it carried, and it had weight, and Magnus looked at her and could see an echo in her of that same breathtaking sincerity that Alec had always displayed. 

Magnus had to close his eyes, think how to breathe, think how his voice worked, how his mouth needed to move. When he opened his eyes again she was still there, still steady. "Thank you."

"Which means we have to find out what did happen." Isabelle leaned forward and looked at him, and Magnus just spread his hands. He barely knew what was supposed to have happened, much less when it might have diverged.

Jace cleared his throat, and everyone turned. "I think the thing that killed him took his soul."

* * *

This was worse than the funeral.

This was where he'd died.

Magnus almost turned right around to go back home rather than turning that last corner, walking down that alley.

_Why is it always an alley?_

He stopped. He didn't turn back, but he couldn't make himself go forward. 

They were almost where he died.

"We thought it was a hellhound pack, at first." Jace was in the lead. He hadn't turned around, hadn't looked, but somehow he'd known Magnus had stopped. Jace stopped walking too. He turned his face up and spoke up into the sky."Something had killed a werewolf, a lone one travelling through New York. There aren't a lot of demonic animals that can tear apart a werewolf like that."

"We thought we'd found them, but then there was only one." Clary said, "Alec jumped up on a fire escape so he could see if the rest of the pack showed up, so they couldn't surprise us."

"The rest of us moved closer." Isabelle spoke next, her voice too small for the space around them. "It was so dark we didn't realize that its fur was grey, not black."

"It was too big." Clary's voice was unsteady, and Magnus closed his eyes. "It moved wrong for a hound, and it turned too fast, and I heard Alec, he told me to duck."

"I got its paw with my whip when it tried to claw Clary." Isabelle's voice came from the same place Clary's had. They'd moved next to each other as they spoke. Comfort. 

None of them wanted to go into that alley. 

"But I could only hold it for a second. My whip started freezing, colder and colder in my hand."

"Alec shot it in the flank when Izzy and I dodged back, and it looked right at him and howled." Clary took up the thread when Isabelle stopped. "But then it turned toward Jace instead."

"I was almost in position." There was a hint of bewilderment beneath the anger and the guilt in Jace's voice. "I don't know how it heard me."

_Maybe it didn't?_

"Alec kept shooting, trying to slow it down, trying to distract it." Isabelle's voice was starting to waver too, and Magnus wanted to cover his ears, wanted to run, wanted to never have to hear this part. 

"It snarled, and I thought it was running away, it _jumped,_ it went right up the wall towards the roof. It didn't look like—I didn't think it was that close to the fire escape." Jace's voice broke, and it was at least as terrible as any of Isabelle's silences had been.

"Jace screamed." There were dark echoes in Clary's voice, in the tremble and the rough edges of her breathing, and Magnus could tell it hadn't just been a scream. He'd thought Jace had stopped talking out of grief; maybe that hadn't been the only reason. 

"Alec." Isabelle had to stop. "Fell."

Magnus refused to think about that. Not now. Not helping. He could ignore the feeling of his heart tearing into pieces and fire burning through his veins if he just thought about something else. 

Big, and grey, and cold. Moved too quickly. Solitary. 

Looked at Alec and saw Jace.

_I didn't think it was that close to the fire escape._

Maybe it didn't have to be.

Magnus opened his eyes. "'From which nothing remains concealed'."

He had to see the alley now. He started walking again, faster than before. He passed Jace in only a few steps, heard the stuttering footsteps of Clary and Isabelle following. 

"What?" Jace had reached Magnus' side. "Do you know what it was?"

"I might. But I don't know how it got to New York."

"Does that matter?" Isabelle sounded breathless, but not from catching up. It sounded almost like hope. 

"Probably not?" Magnus shrugged. "Unless it helps us find its lair."

"Well, what is it?" Clary was just as breathless, much more impatient. 

"I have to check." Magnus let his voice trail off as he started examining the walls of the buildings, the cracked concrete beneath his feet. 

_There._

Claw-marks. Five in a row, not four. 

"Amarok."

"That still doesn't tell me anything?" Clary looked like she had so many questions she didn't know where to start.

"How do I kill it." Jace had a goal. He didn't care about any other questions any more.

"How do we find it." Isabelle had clearly switched to her work-now-feel-later brain too, just like Magnus. "Can we track it?"

"If we can find a piece of it, in an alley in New York, when a whole team from the Institute failed to find anything when they looked three days ago?" Clary sounded skeptical. She and Isabelle started pacing back and forth though, just in case. 

"It needs somewhere big and isolated." Magnus turned slowly in a circle, trying to picture this area of the city, trying to think how it was getting around. "It's a lone wolf, no pack. The story is that its rightful prey is anyone who is 'foolish enough to hunt alone at night _'_."

"The solitary," Isabelle said. Magnus nodded at her in agreement _._

"They're usually not this far south, they like the cold." Magnus spread his fingers as wide as he could. "They have an extra toe, to help them spread their feet and walk on the snow despite their size."

"Like snowshoes." Clary shrugged as they all looked at her. "Well, it is."

"You said something about not being concealed." Jace frowned at Magnus. "What does that mean?"

"They can see souls." Magnus spoke as gently as he could around the pain in his throat _._ Jace was going to have trouble with this part. "When it turned to look at..." Magnus swallowed. He couldn't say his name, not like this, not so close to where he died. "It saw your _parabatai_ bond."

"That's how it knew where Jace was?" Clary asked. 

"That's also what it used." Isabelle spoke slowly, putting the pieces together. "It wasn't next to the fire escape, it attacked Alec through the bond."

Jace's eyes were too wide, and he made a terrible whining sound as he inhaled. But then he put it all away somewhere inside, and Magnus could see the shift in his jaw from how tightly he held himself still. "How do I _kill it._ "

"Stab it in the heart or brain." Magnus rubbed his fingers together. "Fire."

"I can do that." Jace nodded. 

"But how do we find it?" Isabelle was almost shouting. "It's a giant snow wolf that steals souls, how is it hiding?"

"Maybe if we go up?" Clary had stopped pacing, was staring up the wall with the fire escape, all the way up to the edge of the roof five stories up. "Maybe we can find the trail up there."

They all stood still. They all looked up. 

They'd have to use the fire escape to get there.

They'd have to walk right where he'd been.

"Maybe there's roof access from inside the building we could use?" Isabelle's voice was barely audible this time. 

"Please, let's." Clary's whisper of relief was almost louder.

Not that Magnus disagreed.

There was roof access. 

They didn't find anything. 

They did call Luke. Maybe, now they knew what it was, his pack would be able to track it. The wolves started running circles outward from the site of the attack, and now the rest of them had to wait.

Magnus went home. Then to Ragnor's library. One of Camille's that he was mostly sure she'd forgotten existed. Elias had had a house in Alaska? But no, it'd been cleared out already. By who? He should know that, why didn't he know that, why couldn't he get any two useful thoughts to line up next to each other so he could think.

Someone, somewhere, had to have more information on Amarok.

Wasn't there a story about bones? Little bones? Lost bones? Found bones? What kind of bones? Could they bait a trap? Follow a trail of them? That didn't make sense, that didn't help, why couldn't he help, he'd failed him, he'd let him die, why couldn't he at least.. _._

He was yelling at the pages for not having what he needed on them, and by the time he'd thrown the third book at a pillar and watched the spine crack in two he could feel the tears pouring down his face. It was hard to breathe, his chest hurt, his eyes burned, he could hear himself inhale with an out of control lift almost as loud as whooping cough. 

He burned his fingers trying to make tea without a kettle.

Almost blew a window out of the wall trying to open it.

Did destroy a painting in the guest room. He'd never liked it all that much.

Almost burned out his entire workroom.

Considered moving the loft to Tibet. Spain. _Antarctica._

Screamed and stomped and threw a tantrum worse than any four-year-old, curled up on the couch and cried.

He was so tired.

He didn't want to go to bed.

If he cried into Alec's pillow, tomorrow it would smell like tears, like salt, like despair. It wouldn't be Alec's pillow anymore.

He was giving himself a headache.

The hiccups.

He wasn't even drunk.

He was pathetic.

He slowly sniffled to a stop, and closed his eyes.

_I miss you so much. I can't do this without you._

"I love you, Alexander."

The loft was silent in answer.


	5. day five

Maia and Simon showed up much too early, told him there was no news but they were still looking, and dragged him out to breakfast.

He felt hungover.

He still hadn't had that damn drink.

They got him coffee and orange juice and _Belgian waffles,_ and he almost sobbed into the whipped cream.

Simon passed him an extra napkin.

Magnus dabbed at his eyes. "You're much better at this than all those Shadowhunters."

"They always think you have to do something." Simon looked uncomfortably pleased, shrugged as awkwardly as ever. He was still so human. "Sometimes there's nothing to do, you just have to sit through it, you know?"

Maia was looking at Simon like he was the answer to a question she'd never known she wanted to ask. It was a good hurt, watching them, seeing her face. Magnus was glad they'd taken him out today. He even almost managed a smile. 

"I do. Thank you." He then sniffed too hard for it to be anything other than him almost crying again. 

He ate his waffles, Maia got more bacon, both of them drank too much coffee, and all three of them sat through the morning together.

That evening Luke called them to the Jade Wolf. Too many people were crowded inside, all of them sad and angry. They hadn't found anything. 

Jace looked like he was going to rip the place apart with his bare hands, brick by brick.

Raphael was there, standing as still as only a vampire could, breathless and bloodless and patient. "We'll be bait." 

The slow shifting of tired people stilled, and Magnus stared.

"We can scatter across the city. Each of us will seem to be alone." The room got quieter as Raphael talked, so quiet Magnus didn't think anyone was breathing. "We're fast enough to dodge, now that we know what it is, how it's coming."

Magnus opened his mouth, but he couldn't figure out what to say.

"Did you really think we wouldn't help?" Raphael shook his head. "I would do it for you, no matter what I thought of him."

"We're doing it for him too, though." Simon grinned, bashful and restless, two steps behind Raphael.

Raphael rolled his eyes, but he seemed much less annoyed by Simon than usual. They'd made some sort of truce for this. For Alec. "Your Shadowhunter deserves some peace."

_Thank you._ Magnus spread his hands, his throat too full to speak. It was slightly embarrassing how much trouble he'd had making _words_ this past week.

_Oh hells, it hasn't even been a week?_

It felt like a century.

_Only a while longer, and then I can get that drink._

Isabelle and Lucian and Raphael talked logistics. 

Magnus sat down next to Jace, and they waited, and he tried not to think too much about what he'd put in his first cocktail when they were done.

Or the ten after that.

* * *

It wasn't yet midnight when they got an alert.

They'd had plenty of time to make a plan. The wolves went through the portal first, to harry it, distract it. To give the vampire time to get away. The Shadowhunters next. Magnus last.

Clary charged right towards its face, hand extended as she activated her sunlight rune. It reared back, half a howl of pain all it managed before Isabelle, hands taped like she was preparing for a boxing match, wrapped her whip around its muzzle and yanked down, a strength rune gleaming bright on her shoulder. 

Jace jumped, and climbed up its neck, and slid his seraph blade in behind the skull, through the gap above the spinal cord and all the way to the brain. He rode it as it collapsed, and all in all it was terribly anticlimactic.

Until Jace's eyes rolled back in his head, and he started to fall.

Magnus caught him with his magic, lowered him carefully to the ground. _And I'd just been so proud at the difference some extra knowledge and assistance and a plan could make._

Isabelle got to Jace's side first, whispering a low and constant, _not again, not again,_ as fast and uneven as her footsteps. Clary skidded to a stop right after Isabelle and dropped to her knees, her hands hovering over Jace's forehead, his shoulder, as if afraid to touch, afraid to not, just afraid _._

"Is it?" Clary looked up from Jace, over to the dead Amarok and back to Magnus. 

"One way to find out." Fire purified. Fire should set Jace free. And Alec. 

Magnus called up his magic to amplify his voice. "Everyone get back!" 

It was a relief not to have to be careful, not to have to rein it in, not to worry about balance, about scaring anyone. Fire was the very first type of magic that had ever called to him. It always came to him, whether he needed it or not.

This time, he was supposed to create a raging inferno.

He did. For one glorious minute it was beautiful, and he forgot everything except the feel of the flames, flickering and scorching, until there was nothing left but thick heavy smoke, greasy soot, and a faint shiver of cold passing through the air.

"Jace!" Clary yelled, and Magnus spun around. Jace's back arched, high enough half his body was off the ground, fingers scrabbling at the concrete beneath him, mouth wide open as if it hurt too much to scream.

His body sagged, all tension gone, and Isabelle froze.

"He's still breathing," Magnus whispered, and he saw her shiver.

Jace's eyes opened, but not as if he could see them, not with any focus, and his hand was pressed tight against his side.

Low on his left side, barely above his hip.

_Against his side._ Magnus didn't remember stepping closer, didn't remember moving at all, but somehow he was next to Isabelle, gripping her hand. _Parabatai..._

Jace heaved up with a desperate inhale of air, and Clary was right there, her arm behind his shoulders, bracing him up. 

"He's cold," Jace said.

Magnus squeezed her hand so hard that Isabelle squeaked. 

Jace lifted up his gaze and his eyes were wet and his expression was open in a way Magnus had never seen before, had never imagined he was even capable, wide and shocked and afraid to hope. Magnus felt it like a kick to his gut, the realization that he'd finally seen the Jace that Alec loved. "He's cold!"

The world got blurry for a moment, and Magnus was sure he'd almost fainted, but he was still holding Isabelle's hand, still standing in the street, still smelling ice and smoke in the air. 

Clary looked too shocked to smile but it was almost there, _almost there,_ he couldn't think it, he didn't dare, he couldn't not, he could, they could, what was air, how did he breathe, how did they, what did they need?

"Where?" Magnus couldn't, he didn't, but he stared at Jace and Jace stared at him and they didn't know _,_ they had to know, someone had to know.

"I don't know, what would they do, they wouldn't." Isabelle was babbling out loud, about as coherently as Magnus' thoughts, and then she yanked her hand free, and he staggered, and that was fine, that was all right, she was doing something _._ "Mom. Mom would know."

She almost dropped her phone getting it out, and Lucian was walking towards them, clearly concerned about the Amarok and the hysterics, and Magnus couldn't tell him, he couldn't think. 

_Please._

"Mom!" Isabelle was shouting into her phone, and he could almost hear Maryse's voice trying to answer but Isabelle didn't even pause. "Jace's rune is back, where's Alec?"

He couldn't hear her, he couldn't hear her answer, he needed to know where to go.

"Thank you." Isabelle looked over at Clary. "The mausoleum, where we put Simon?" Clary's smile was starting to happen, Clary was further along in believing than any of the rest of them.

"I don't know where that is," Magnus could barely talk, his voice as rough as Jace's. "I can't make a portal if I don't know what you mean."

"I do." Clary darted to her feet, and Isabelle dove down to help Jace up before he fell again. 

Clary's rune flared bright, copper and gold and sunlight. She grabbed Magnus' hand and dragged him with her, Isabelle and Jace stumbling through after.

It was cold on the other side, and almost pitch black. Magnus felt Clary stop, clearly mostly blind. There was just enough grey from the windows for his eyes, and he saw the body, and he saw himmove.

"Alexander." It was just a lift of his chest beneath the shroud, but it was there, he was there _._ Magnus stumbled forward, around, his hands were shaking, he was shaking. He almost couldn't control his fingers to pull down the shroud, couldn't focus his eyes, but there, he could feel Alec's jaw, the skin cold but perceptibly warming in even the brief moment Magnus' touch lingered. His hand slid down, tracing the line of his throat, across his chest until he could put his palm flat above Alec's heart, until he felt the low steady rhythm of his heartbeat. " _Alexander_." 

He didn't know how this worked, didn't know if Alec had been injured in the fall, _could you be injured when you were sort-of dead,_ couldn't know if there was anything specific that needed healing, but Magnus could share his strength.

It was almost impossible to make himself lift his hand, to leave the feel of that heartbeat, but he promised himself it would be quick. It was like forcing his arms through water, so much effort for a simple spell, but eventually the blue of his magic grew, wispy and cool. He heard footsteps approaching, drawn toward them by the light. He put his hand back on Alec's chest, and he _gave._

It was different than when Alec had shared his strength for healing Lucian, different than any of the myriad times Magnus had traded power back and forth throughout his life. It was easier, quieter, a bone-deep acceptance from Alexander, _yes, this is part of me,_ from his magic, _yes, this is where I belong,_ and he felt tears catch in his throat as his magic drained away. He followed it, leaning closer and closer, until the blue light faded and he rested his forehead on Alec's shoulder.

He could see pale white light growing somewhere behind him, _someone found their witchlight,_ and he closed his eyes to focus on Alec's breathing.

Slow and steady, in and out, and then there, out of rhythm, a deeper inhale. Magnus' breath caught in an echo of it, and then he felt Alec shift beneath him. 

"Magnus?" His voice was rough, but no worse than when he woke up too early, and his hand settled on the back of Magnus' head, fingers moving through his hair. "What?"

Magnus heard Jace swallow a sob. Alec was pulled up into a sitting position, and Magnus stood, stepped back as Isabelle and Clary reached out, touching his arms, his sides, talking incoherently over each other. 

Alec winced, as if moving hurt, and he was still making vaguely bewildered noises as he turned his head. Jace grabbed him, hugged him, head tucked into Alec's shoulder, arms wrapped so tightly Magnus could see the tension in his hands. His shoulders were moving just enough to give away the fact that he was crying, even though he barely made a sound. 

"Jace," Alec's voice was lost, almost angry, _what made you cry?,_ even as he hugged Jace back. He kept his eyes open, his gaze flicking back and forth as he tried to think. He glanced down over Jace's shoulders, and Magnus could see the instant he saw the shroud still draped over his legs, recognized the mausoleum around them.

Alec's arms shifted, one hand cradling the back of Jace's head, holding him carefully in place, even as he turned his head back towards Magnus. He opened his mouth, but he clearly didn't know where to start. He breathed in, and out, deep enough Magnus could see the rise of his chest. 

Instead of asking any of the myriad questions Magnus expected, Alec surprised him, somehow, again, always _._ "Are you all right?"

_I am now._ Magnus could feel the damp still caught in his throat, and didn't even try to speak. 

Alec nodded, as if he could tell what Magnus was thinking. He closed his eyes, and tucked his head close to Jace's, and reached his free hand to the side, to Magnus.

Magnus took it, and he was sure he was holding on too tight, but Alec just squeezed back, and for the first time in five days it didn't hurt to breathe.

Which was of course when Maryse arrived, and the crying started all over again.

Eventually they calmed down. A little. Magnus' hand was half-numb, but he didn't let go. _Never again._ Alec smiled at his family, all half-leaning against each other, all various stages of damp and weepy, but was a small, tight expression. He turned away from their side of the bier to face Magnus, his smile fading into something else, something dark and quiet behind his eyes.

Magnus tried to let go of his hand, tried to open his mouth, though he had no idea what he could say beyond _Alexander_ again. There was nothing else inside him that he could grasp, could feel, just Alexander.

Alec wouldn't let him go, tugged on Magnus' hand instead, using the pull of his arm to help himself turn. His legs kicked free of the shroud as he went, until he was sitting sideways, his legs dangling off the side, his toes barely brushing against the stone floor. He closed his eyes and swayed. Magnus stepped closer, reached with his free hand to brace Alec's shoulder.

Magnus almost wavered there himself. He was holding Alec's hand, his shoulder, he could hear Alec breathe, could watch his eyes open, darker than usual in the pale light, in contrast to his white suit, the hazel so deep they almost looked black. Magnus felt his breath catch, his grip on Alec's shoulder tighten. Alec leaned closer, achingly slowly, and his breath was warm against Magnus' mouth, and his lips were too cool and chapped, but their touch was gentle.

Alec kissed him.

Magnus' lips parted, he felt something give inside his heart, felt himself fall closer, fall into Alec, into his kiss, felt himself whimper into Alec's mouth. He felt his glamour fall, his tears start, his breath catch. He couldn't think, he couldn't, he didn't know what he was going to do until he'd already felt it happen. 

Alec's lips pulled back, still so close Magnus could feel them with each breath. He could feel Alec's forehead against his own, Alec's hand slip free of his grasp so both hands could reach up to hold his face. He could feel Alec's voice, so sweet against his skin. "Magnus _._ "

Magnus opened his eyes, realized that Alec was protecting him, hiding his face so no one else could see his warlock mark. Alec was thinking of Magnus first, even here, even now, and Magnus had never before realized that joy could hurt more than despair.

"What happened?" Alec's words were barely more than a whisper.

Magnus had to swallow. He had to blink. He had to inhale and think about keeping his eyes open, think about looking at Alec as he spoke. "You died."

Alec's thumb moved slowly across Magnus' cheek, though Magnus didn't think that was enough to have much effect on the tears still trying to fall. "I'm sorry."

Magnus didn't quite sob, but he couldn't quite laugh, and he shook his head. _My darling idiot._ "Don't apologize."

"Too late." Alec's mouth firmed, his expression positively mulish, and Magnus couldn't stop the laughter, couldn't stop his tears, and he tucked his head against Alec's neck as he tried to get his breathing back under control.

Between them, he and Jace had positively ruined Alec's jacket.

He was going to burn it to ash as soon as Alec took it off.


	6. day six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [[tumblr](http://faejilly.tumblr.com/post/174144946353)]

They ended up in a diner. (After a quick detour for Alec to shower and put on clothes that weren't white _._ Or damp in the shoulders. The entire suit had flared up quite nicely, a flurry of sparks as its brief final form.) Alec needed food, and everyone else needed to see him, Jace and Isabelle and Clary, Simon and Maia, Luke and Maryse and Lydia. 

Everyone touched Alec's arm or shoulder or pulled him into a hug; half of them were almost crying and half of them were laughing and the halves overlapped surprisingly often. They ordered more appetizers than meals, and just kept passing the food from table to booth to table and back again.

Raphael shook Magnus' hand, pressed his hand against his shoulder and smiled, and slipped away again without a word. 

Catarina brought Madzie, and Alec gently wiped the tears off Cat's cheeks. Madzie wrapped her arms around Alec's neck and wouldn't let go for a good ten minutes.

Robert and Max arrived last, after Madzie had crawled into a booth with Catarina and was half dozing in her lap. Max took one look at Alec and burst into tears, and there, Alec slid out of his chair and kneeled beside him and pulled him in close and Magnus had to close his eyes before he burst into tears, too.

Magnus felt Maryse lean against his shoulder. He was reasonably sure she felt both better and worse than he did, for almost exactly the same reasons.

Robert was Robert,but he put his hand on Alec's shoulder and squeezed, and his eyes were blood-shot and his voice almost trembled, and Magnus found he could be glad that Alec got to see him. He left as soon as Max was willing to let go of his brother, _midnight field trips aren't great for children,_ and rather ostentatiously avoided Magnus when he said goodnight.

After the door closed behind them, Alec turned to Isabelle and Jace. "What's wrong with Dad?"

"His son died," Lydia started.

"Magnus almost vaporized him." Isabelle's voice was entirely matter-of-fact. 

Alec made an inelegant choking sound. Lydia closed her eyes and sighed, and Magnus had the feeling she'd had a plan in her head, a _how-to-tell-Alec-everything-he-missed_ checklist, and Isabelle had just ripped it up into tiny little pieces.

"Good thing, too," Jace added. He glanced up at Magnus, a hint of a smile in his eyes. "Otherwise I would have started punching him, and that wouldn't have ended well."

Alec made much the same noise again, louder, and Lydia pinched the bridge of her nose and glared at the tabletop.

"I was not at my best." Magnus shrugged. It took a distressing amount of effort to keep his voice steady.

"Don't you dare." Isabelle glared at Magnus. "He went too far."

"What did he do?" Alec had found his voice, and it was dangerously smooth and steady. He reached for Magnus' hand across the table and held it, his thumb tracing gently around Magnus' knuckles.

Magnus could feel Isabelle and Jace and Lydia go still, could almost see the moment Isabelle decided to attempt a partial truth. "When the service didn't 'work' he blamed Magnus for interfering with the angelic blessing."

Alec frowned, and his jaw shifted to the side. He was doing the thing that meant he had two entirely unrelated thoughts at once and was trying to decide which one to follow.

"Later," Maryse said, before he'd picked one and gone all in and swept the rest of them along with him. "It is very late, and the last five days have been difficult. We should all go get some rest."

Alec's eyes widened, and he looked at Magnus. Magnus realized how little anyone had told him yet, even as Alec mouthed the word 'five'. Magnus nodded, and pursed his lips into a _shhh_ so Alec would know to wait.

The series of farewells were very similar to the greetings. Madzie was half-asleep, but required another hug. So did Jace. And Isabelle. Simon and Clary did too, which was clearly a bit disconcerting for Alec. Maia took pity on him and hugged Magnus instead.

Lydia gave back Alec's letter with a smile. "You weren't done yet." She kissed him on the cheek and he waved her away with a fake groan. She was laughing as she walked out the door.

Maryse put her hand on Alec's cheek, and then surprised Magnus by doing the same for him, her eyes shining with unshed tears. Lucian clapped Alec on the shoulder, and escorted Maryse out the door.

It was terribly quiet for a moment. Alec was still looking at the door, even after it stopped swinging closed. The clink of dishes as the waitress started cleaning up the table made Alec jerk, and he turned to look at Magnus.

"Five days?" His voice was too level, and Magnus couldn't tell what he was thinking. It had been a long time since he'd seen Alec's poker face. He didn't like it.

"Technically six, I think, since it's well after midnight." Which was a stupid thing to say if ever there was one, Magnus knew that even as he heard it happening, his voice flippant as if it was a meaningless distinction, as if a few days hadn't mattered _._

As if he hadn't felt like he was dying, too, without the benefit of being able to hope they'd find each on the other side. He was pretty sure the angelic and the demonic didn't end up in the same place.

Only apparently it wasn't as stupid as he thought, he'd given away the truth even when he didn't know how, because Alec's poker face eased into something else, something warm enough to make Magnus' breath catch. "That means I have only kissed you once in six days. That's terrible."

 _Yes, it is._ It was an awful truth, breathless and aching, but before Magnus could attempt to smile around it, Alec leaned across the table, tugged on Magnus' hand to pull him towards him, and they met in the middle. Alec's mouth was warm this time, warm and firm, and Magnus leaned in more, barely noticed the edge of the table digging into his stomach, barely noticed anything at all except Alexander and his mouth and the touch of his tongue against Magnus' lips.

There was a cough, and Magnus felt Alec pull back, a stutter of breath against his cheek as if Alec was trying not to laugh. "Sorry."

Magnus kept his eyes closed a moment longer. He felt dizzy. Good drunk. 

_Alive._

Tears tried to prick behind his eyelids again, but he sniffed, and opened his eyes, and turned to smile apologetically at the waitress. She rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. She dropped the bill on the table and headed back towards the kitchen, a faint whistle trailing behind her as she went.

Magnus stood, straightened his jacket, glanced at the bill, and dropped about twice the total on the table.

"Shall we?" He gestured toward the door.

Alec stood and took his hand, and Magnus couldn't stop smiling.

Until they were standing before the loft's double doors, and he remembered the state he'd left it in. He didn't want Alec to see, he could feel the magic swirling beneath his skin, it would be so easy to clean it up before they went in. 

"Hey." Alec tugged on his hand. "What's wrong?"

 _No more hiding?_

Magnus straightened his shoulders, ignored the lift of Alec's eyebrows as he noticed, and pushed open the doors. "Come inside."

They made it to the living room before Alec noticed anything. It started with the tangle of blankets on the couch. Then he saw the broken books, and made a noise that sounded like surprise, a question without words from the back of his throat. 

Magnus gestured towards the guest-room. Alec frowned, but followed, and Magnus gave him a tour of the whole loft, every bit of destruction, around and through every other bit of disarray, the conversely perfectly made bed that hadn't been slept in since that first night _after_ , until they made it back to the living room.

Alec stepped close to the books again, and knelt. His fingers trailed carefully against the edges of bent covers and broken spines, and he picked up a page that had been ripped out. 

"Secrets of the northern wastes?"

Magnus spread his hands, and sighed, and didn't know what to say. 

Alec smiled, that rueful lift of his mouth that meant he knew perfectly well what Magnus was doing. He stood back up, let the page flutter its way back to the floor. He stepped forward and took hold of both of Magnus' hands.

"Thank you."

It was so hard not to pull his hands back, not to gesture, not to dismiss, but Magnus made himself stand still. "For what?"

"For not hiding this."

Magnus swallowed, and nodded. 

Alec's thumbs rubbed back and forth across Magnus' hands, and then he let go, and put his hands behind his back. "I need you to tell me what happened."

Magnus had to close his eyes. 

He let his glamour drop. _No more hiding._ He opened them again, and watched Alec smile. "It's a long story."

"We have time, don't we?"

_Never enough time._

"Magnus?" It was only when Alec's hand touched his cheek, his palm warm and familiar, that Magnus realized he'd closed his eyes again, that he'd been shaking his head. 

"Tea?" Magnus offered, in lieu of a story he wasn't sure how to start. 

Alec tilted his head, and then nodded.

Magnus set some red tea to a low boil on the back of the stove, added some cinnamon and a haphazard handful of hazelnuts and almonds, and sat at the table.

And then he stood back up and walked back out to the living room and sat on the couch.

And then he looked down at his hands.

Alec sat next to him, close enough Magnus could feel his shoulder, his arm, his thigh. 

Alec spoke, while Magnus was still staring at his rings. "I remember being on the fire escape."

Magnus inhaled, felt the edge of his breath catch in his throat, too sharp, too cold. He didn't want to think about the fire escape. About Alec falling _._

"I remember the hound's eyes. They were such a pale blue, almost colorless, cold as ice."

"That's appropriate for Amarok. Giant wolf. From the Arctic. I recognized the description." Magnus managed, though his voice didn't sound much like it usually did, too high and uncertain, his sentences fracturing despite his best efforts to hold them steady. He lifted a hand and spread his fingers wide. "I recognized the claw-marks."

"Ah." Alec paused, reached his hand out to hold onto Magnus' again, as if even this, sitting so close their bodies lined up, so close Magnus could feel the shift of each breath, wasn't close enough. "That explains the books."

"We couldn't find it." _I couldn't find you._

"But you knew what to look for." Alec lifted Magnus' hand and kissed his knuckles. "If your books weren't helping, how did you find it?"

"The Vampire Clan agreed to be bait."

"What?" Alec was so startled he almost lost his grip on Magnus' hand.

"The werewolves were rear-guards, and distracted it long enough for your Shadowhunters to kill it."

Alec's mouth opened but he didn't even manage a _what_ that time. He was adorable in his surprise. He probably wouldn't like that description if Magnus said it out loud. Magnus smiled at him, felt it widen, felt it reach his eyes, his whole face, for probably the first time since _before_. 

"Why—wait." Alec exhaled, long and slow. "In order. We'll get there."

Magnus closed his eyes as his smile faded, and nodded.

"I remember the way it swung its head away from me to look at Jace. It was like it was tracking, like it had already seen something, heard something, and somehow." Alec stopped. "I knew it could keep tracking, that there was no way for Jace to get away." 

Magnus couldn't quite hold in the pain at that, drawing in a small sharp breath that he knew Alec could hear. Alec waited, his breathing steady. 

"Amarok can see souls. Once it had seen either one of you, it could follow the _parabatai_ bond."

Alec's body stilled, and Magnus made himself open his eyes and look at Alec's face. It was as bad as the sound Jace had made, shattered and open, and Magnus let go of Alec's hand so he could hug him instead.

"It's all right, love." Magnus whispered into Alec's hair. "You're both all right."

Alec finally exhaled, his whole body moving with the weight of it, and then he wrapped his arms around Magnus. 

"I thought it was killing Jace." Alec's voice was muffled, speaking into Magnus' shoulder, but it was more than clear enough to hear the pain in it. "It was like he was being torn away from me, a thousand little rips at once, a hundred tiny sharp points, but it was me, wasn't it, it was killing me?"

"It took your soul. When Jace killed it, your soul went back to you."

"It could do that?" Alec almost sounded more offended than anything else, pushed back to look Magnus in the face, and yes, he was frowning in annoyance _._ "Soul-stealing? How is that a thing, how does it even work? Is that why? I mean." Alec's face did a very strange twisty thing that Magnus couldn't interpret. "I know what bodies usually look like after five days."

Magnus gagged , and had to cover his mouth. 

"Sorry." Alec shifted and kissed Magnus on the forehead, soft and warm.

_Warm._

"You were freezing." Magnus blinked. "You practically radiated cold, I thought it was just me being upset, but no. You were frozen _._ "

_If I'd just looked once, it would have been obvious, oh hells, how long would he have lasted? How close to too late was I?_

"Shhh." Alec's voice was barely above a whisper, and Magnus realized his hands were sore, gripping Alec's shirt too tightly, the fabric crushed between his fingers, the rest of it pulling tight around Alec's ribs. "I'm right here."

"You almost weren't." Magnus couldn't keep his voice steady, couldn't entirely hide the desire to wail instead of talk. "And it would've been my fault."

"Magnus!" Alec's eyes widened, and his hands went over Magnus' hands, wrapping around them, holding them against his chest. "Don't you dare blame yourself for a monster we weren't prepared to face."

"After that." His throat hurt. Magnus was holding himself so stiffly he could feel the tremble building down his back, the ache in his arms as he refused to let them shiver. "I didn't ask _._ "

"Ask what?"

"Anything." Magnus wanted to stand, wanted to pace, wanted to scream, wanted Alec to kiss him until he could stop thinking _._ "I didn't even let anyone tell me you had died. Not out loud."

"Then how did you know?" Alec blinked as he got distracted, and Magnus was more than happy to be distracted with him.

"Jace knocked _._ "

"What do you?" Alec inhaled, let it out again slowly. "Ohhhh."

"Jace, Isabelle, and Clary, notbursting in. I think I knew even before I saw Jace's face."

Alec winced. "I don't know how to help. I'm here, but I can still feel how much he hurts. How much you hurt."

"Being here is enough."

Alec looked at him like he was being an idiot. "Clearly. No one's upset at all."

Well. Point. "Being here will be enough, in time."

"Promise." There was that hard set to his jaw again, just like when he'd apologized for being dead.

"What?"

"Tell me to my face that everything is fine and you'll be better in the morning."

Magnus opened his mouth.

Magnus shut his mouth. 

He couldn't do it.

Alec's face was a potent and terrible combination of smug and heart-shatteringly sad. "Tell me, please."

"I'm such a coward."

Whatever Alec had been expecting it hadn't been that, because his head drew back and his eyebrows frowned and his mouth twisted in surprise. "You're not."

"I am when it comes to loss. I can't..." Magnus' voice broke, and he wanted to hit something. Possibly himself. "You would have made them tell you what happened, you would have charged forward and I couldn't."

Alec shook his head, and his eyelashes looked damp. "I don't think I'd be able to do much of anything if you were gone."

"But you wouldn't have hidden _._ " Magnus had _failed_ him, failed _them,_ it was a weight in his stomach and a pain in his chest and his thoughts were too sharp, too slow. 

"I am very good at hiding." Alec's eyes were gentle, his hand so soft against Magnus' jaw, and it wasn't right, Magnus hadn't earned it. "You know that was my whole life before you."

Magnus shook his head, and he couldn't keep his hands still, and he couldn't say this, he couldn't not. "If it hadn't been for the funeral going wrong, all those Nephilim upset that their magic didn't work, I never would have looked and you really would have died. I would have let you die for no reason. I gave up." 

Magnus had to stand, he couldn't do this, he couldn't. He turned around, and wrapped his arms around himself.

"I was dead." Alec's voice was so careful, so precise. Magnus hated that almost as much as his poker face. "That's not something you can fix _._ It's not like I was lost and you decided not to look for me."

"But that's exactly what it was!" 

Magnus heard Alec stand up. He pulled on Magnus' arm and turned him around and waited until Magnus met his eyes. "No one knew that."

"But I should have _._ " 

"And you figured it out." The shine in Alec's eyes had overflowed, a few slow tears working their way down his face. "If you had been hurt in exactly the same way, we never would have managed the same for you, and you really would have been dead. You saved me _._ "

"By luck and bad temper." Magnus let go of his own arms to tug on Alec's shirt, to press against him, to tuck against his neck and wrap his arms around him again. "I lost you."

"Only almost." Alec draped his arms around Magnus' shoulders. "We need to make a list. Send it to the other Institutes once we finish, see if they have any additions."

Magnus managed a small questioning noise.

"Of known beasts and demons that can see souls. If we'd known it was a possibility? Even if we hadn't recognized it right away, we would have known what to do afterwards."

The smell of the tea was starting to waft its way through the room, and some knot low in Magnus' back started to ease, started to loosen. He let his shoulders sag with a sigh. "Only you would decide the lesson to learn from your almost-death is research and paperwork."

Alec snorted in mock indignation. "I like being prepared."

"I missed you."

"I'm sorry." He could feel Alec's fingers just brushing against the back of his neck. "I'm here now."

_Now._

Magnus knew that someday he'd have to go through this _again._ Only it would be even worse, because he'd remember this time, this miracle, and he'd hope, somehow, that it would happen again. And maybe they'd be lucky, survive a few close calls, but someday. Someday their luck would run out. 

If he thought about that too much, it would be like they were lost already.

He needed to stop thinking.

He needed Alexander.

He started to pull more of Alec's shirt up into his hands, until he'd rucked it up far enough it was easy to slide his palms against his skin, settling them in the small of Alec's back even as Alec's shirt fell back on top of his fingers.

He could feel Alec hum, could hear the smile in his voice. "Why, Magnus Bane, are you trying to seduce me?"

Magnus looked up, a quick glance through his lashes, and Alec's smile was even better than it had sounded. "If it all it takes is a wrinkled shirt, I think you're an easy mark."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Alec's voice had dropped, and it kindled a delightful little curl of heat inside Magnus. "And I'll have you know it wasn't the shirt."

"No?" Magnus let his hands slide further down, until his fingertips were just under the waistband of Alec's jeans. He pulled, quite pleased at the grunt Alec made as their bodies pressed closer together. "Whatever else could it have been?"

"All it ever takes is you."

Magnus' toes curled at the sound of Alec's voice, so dark, so steady, and he had to kiss him, had to, needed to breathe him in, swallow his voice, swallow him down until they forgot everything else. He got one hard press of their mouths, barely anything at all, before Alec's hands were on his jaw, holding him in place, and his lips pulled back, enough that Magnus heard himself whine as he tried to follow. Alec's lips were on his but they were soft, barely there, light and sweet. 

Magnus leaned in, trying for more, deeper, and Alec shifted his weight back. Alec didn't stop kissing him, on and on, but it wasn't enough. The pressure built in Magnus' chest, in his lungs, every beat of his heart hurt and his fingers tightened until he could feel his nails digging into Alec's back, until his whole body was trying to strain closer, deeper, he needed him, needed to feel him everywhere, inside him, around him, _please,_ he was mouthing the word against Alec's mouth, over and over, between every agonizingly gentle kiss. _Please._

Alec's arms were starting to tremble. Magnus could feel it building, deepening, Alec's whole body pressed to his. It was a shiver in his chest, his stomach, a quiver in his thighs.

"Please." Magnus managed to whisper it this time. He could feel himself starting to shiver too, aching and desperate, but Alec held him so carefully, so still, his lips never pushing, never giving more, _never enough._

"Please," Alec whispered back, and his mouth moved at last, lips moving against Magnus' jaw. "Please, I need you here with me, Magnus, please."

Magnus moaned, pushing up onto his toes so he could lean harder into Alec's chest, could get his tongue in Alec's mouth. "I am."

Alec shook his head, wouldn't let Magnus in. "You're not."

Magnus froze, and opened his eyes. He hadn't even realized they were closed. Alec was looking right into his face, and his jaw was firm but his eyes were sad, _fuck,_ Magnus couldn't bear it when his eyes looked like that. "You're not here, you're just trying to get away from there." Alec's thumb tapped gently against Magnus' temple.

Magnus opened his mouth to argue, _of course I'm here, I have you, at last, my Alexander._

Alec clicked his tongue and wouldn't let Magnus speak. "Your eyes are brown again."

Magnus closed his mouth. Magnus closed his eyes, and felt his body slump with exhaustion. He had to think to find the edges of his glamour to send it away again. He wasn't sure when he'd called it back up. "I didn't mean to..."

"Come on, then." Alec stepped back, and Magnus almost sobbed at the feel of air between them, so much cooler than Alec's body. "You promised me tea."

They strained some tea, and Magnus made sure the heat was turned down to a simmer beneath the pot, and this time they did sit at the table, side-by-side, still close enough it was easy to bump elbows as they drank. 

"We got to Jace and Isabelle and Clary showing up." Alec's voice was quiet, his face aimed into his tea rather than looking at Magnus. 

"And staying." Magnus tapped his finger along the rim of the mug, a quiet _clink_ of nail against against china. "I'm not sure if they didn't think I should be alone, or they didn't think Jace should be at the Institute."

Alec did a thing in his throat that sounded like a wince looked, but he didn't apologize again. That was good.

Probably.

"Maryse the next day. She did. Something?" Magnus shrugged. He hadn't been able to process most of Maryse, or that day. "She was the one who made sure Downworlders could be there for the. Farewell."

Alec put his drink down, and rubbed at his chest. "I don't know how to think about my own funeral."

Magnus huffed a breath and half-nodded, half-shrugged. He didn't know how to think about it either. "I didn't know most of the people there. I should work on that, I think." 

"Really?" Alec's face was doing the same thing it'd done at the mention of vampires as bait, at the description of Lucian's pack working with Raphael's clan, as if he didn't understand at all how that could happen.

"You are a very important person." _To the Institute, the Shadow World, New York. Your family. Me._ "In the traditional as well as the personal sense."

Alec snorted softly, shook his head again, picked his tea back up, and clearly dismissed that train of thought entirely.

Magnus frowned.

"I'm glad, if I had a funeral, that you got to be there." Alec shifted on his stool. "I should have thought of that. That they wouldn't want to let you. I should have made arrangements."

Magnus held in a shudder. He didn't want to think about planning for Alec's death again. Never. Ever. "Luckily it all worked out." 

"I don't want to rely on luck."

"How about Maryse's temper?"

Alec's snort was clearly amused this time, and Magnus wiggled on his stool in delight at the sound. 

Alec shot him a sideways glance. "We keep stopping before we even get started, have you noticed that?" 

Magnus shrugged, made a questioning noise in his throat, tried to ignore the way his eyes felt damp again. "I don't know how to tell this one." 

"Highlight it for me?"

"Said farewell. Got glared at by hoards of Nephilim." Alec sat up there, as if he had another questions, but Magnus kept going. "Angelic expectations failed to manifest?"

"Ascension." Alec said when Magnus paused. "The ascension of the blessing, is usually the term. The light leaves the body, and rises."

That sounded very Nephilim. They had a weird relationship with their angel blood. Not that the rest of them didn't have weird relationships with their demon blood, but at least everyone else knew they were strange and awkward.

Magnus coughed, and let that go.

"Your Shadowhunters came back the next day to tell me the Downworld ban had been reinstated." 

"They're yours too, you know."

"Maybe sometimes, but not in this case." Magnus managed to meet Alec's eyes this time, and hold himself steady, and it was Alec who looked down first. 

"We were going to figure out what went wrong, because the Clave clearly wouldn't." _Surprise._ Magnus rolled his eyes.

Alec sighed again, and muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like _fucking idiots._

Magnus let his mouth twitch in amusement, savored the sharp lift of it, before he had to get back to his story. 

"Jace thought we needed to start with the thing that killed you."

_We had a very hard time walking back into that alley._

Magnus wasn't sure how to work that in. He thought maybe Alec needed to hear it, but every time he thought about saying it his whole throat closed up and he knew he'd never get another word out.

Alec was nodding slightly. "Sensible."

"There was very little sense involved with any of us while you were gone." Magnus knew he spoke too sharply, but Alec couldn't _see,_ and it was breaking his heart all over again. 

_We need you._

Alec reached out and wrapped his hand around Magnus' fingers. His skin was warm from holding his tea, and he squeezed gently.

"If you apologize again I am going to scorch your fingers." Magnus glared, and Alec's lips tightened together. "I am not telling you these things so you feel like you hurt us, I'm telling you these things so you realize how much value you have, how much we need you."

Magnus slid his hand free, and lifted it to brush the back of his fingers against Alec's cheek. "I need you, Alexander, and that's not something you should apologize for."

"I wasn't." Alec leaned to the side, following the movement of Magnus' hand. "That's not what I meant."

"That's what it feels like, when you say you're sorry every time I tell you that we missed you."

Alec frowned, then nodded. He was at least considering it.

That was probably as much as Magnus could reasonably expect.

Not that Magnus had any great desire to be reasonable. It had been a rough week.

"And now we're back where we started, I think?" Magnus shrugged, a wide spread of his hands, and felt a hint of a smile as Alec followed the glint of his rings with his eyes. "Figured out the creature, found it, killed it, burned it to ash, souls were freed."

"Soul _s_?" Alec's eyes narrowed. 

_Oops._

"Jace may have had some trouble when he killed it, but he never stopped breathing and when he woke up he could feel you through the _parabatai_ bond again."

"Trouble?" Alec's voice was too soft, and Magnus reached over to squeeze his hand this time.

"I told you, you are both fine. All right?"

Alec's breath whined out of him, an instant of attempted protest. "It will be."

"It will."

Alec's face eased, and his fingers turned in Magnus' grip so he could hold him too. "Because everyone's all right."

"And I love you."

"I love you, too," Alec said. "What did Robert do?"

"He accused." Magnus shut his mouth, inhaled hard enough that he could feel his nostrils flare. _Robert. Not Dad or 'my father'._ "He was rude, and Maryse lost her temper, and Max was upset, and when I tried to help he told me to stay away from him."

Which was the least clear version of events possible, but Alec had startled him with the timing of the question. Which had obviously been on purpose, to judge by the steadiness of Alec's expression and his breath as he considered what Magnus had said. He hadn't been surprised, or expected anything any more coherent.

"Almost hurting him was probably not the best possible reaction." Magnus was mostly sure he should apologize. He couldn't quite manage it. 

"Wish I'd seen it though." 

Magnus almost giggled at the dry note in Alec's voice. It was seeming increasingly likely that he was getting punchy from sleep-deprivation. Alec bumped Magnus' shoulder, and Magnus caught a smile flitting across Alec's face when he glanced over at him. The smile faded quickly into something else, something heavier. 

"Robert blamed you for my death, then the failed Ascension, and thought you'd hurt a _child._ " Alec's voice was steady and formal again, the barest shiver of anger hiding behind the words. 

Anger for Magnus' sake. Magnus couldn't remember the last time someone had been angry _for_ him rather than at him. Magnus swallowed the urge to thank him. Perhaps also to tell Alec his voice was much too sexy when he did that. Not the time. What was he thinking about? Right. Robert. Consequences. "There were some extenuating circumstances."

Alec rolled his eyes. "Not enough of them. We have got to get Max out of his custody before he starts to think those conclusions are reasonable _._ "

Magnus hummed. He had not thought that that was where this conversation was going. He should stop trying to predict Alec, he seemed to get it wrong a lot. "I don't have any idea how Shadowhunters do that sort of thing. And I doubt Maryse would have much luck, since she's the one who escalated first."

"Of course she did. I wasn't there to protect you so she had to."

Magnus had no idea what his face did in reaction to that sentence, _Maryse Lightwood protecting Magnus Bane,_ but Alec started laughing, his shoulders shaking and his eyes crinkling. "She's fierce when she has to protect her children, and she already told you that you're one of her _boys_."

"I didn't think she meant." Magnus shook his head. "That." 

Alec turned in his stool so he was facing Magnus, no more sideways glances. "Do you know why I was so angry when I found out about my parents and the Circle? The biggest reason, I mean."

"There are a lot to choose from?" Magnus turned as well, leaned in as Alec gathered their hands together between them.

"For all the weight of her expectations when we were younger, she always made them clear. She was always forthright. Never hinted or danced around them. Never said something easy to avoid something necessary. You could've told me she'd never lied a day in her life, and despite how well she managed the Clave politics I would have believed you."

"Ahh." Everything leading up to Alec's almost-wedding lined up differently than before, and it was a sweet and painful relief that settled somewhere behind Magnus' eyes. How close had they both come to not making it through that to end up together? 

"She was not being polite when she called you family." Alec's smile widened, and his glance flicked down and up again, and it almost looked like he was blushing. His voice dropped, quiet and slow. "To her you're a Lightwood. Because you love me."

_Love. My Alexander._

This time, when Magnus leaned in to kiss him, Alec leaned in too, and there was very little in the world that made Magnus' chest ache so much as the feel of Alec's mouth opening to his. Except maybe his tongue, or his moan thrumming in their mouths, or Alec's hands gripping Magnus' hips as they tried to move closer together without falling off their stools, or maybe it was the noise he made when Magnus carefully scraped his thumb down the familiar line of Alec's deflection rune.

"Magnus," Alec breathed against Magnus' mouth, and that, that was it, the way Alec said his name, wrecked and lost and found. It hurt so much Magnus couldn't breathe, it was so perfect his whole body curved toward the feel of it. Magnus kissed him again, clinging to him, trying to wrap a leg around him, pulling them closer and tighter together until the world was spinning and they almost fell.

Alec managed a controlled fall, boots hitting the tile with an audible slap, their kiss tilting and slipping as he moved, but never stopping, not even as he tugged Magnus off his stool, not even as he tried to talk, his words getting lost against Magnus' lips, tangled around Magnus' tongue.

"Love," Magnus gasped, and then Alec's teeth were tugging on his bottom lip and he groaned.

Alec's breath caught as Magnus grabbed his ass, fingers digging in as he pushed their bodies together, and he exhaled a moment later with a long unsteady _fuck_ whispered against Magnus' mouth.

"Yes," Magnus agreed, and tried to make his legs cooperate and push them out of the kitchen. "Please."

"What," Alec tried, but then he tugged Magnus closer by the front of his shirt and Alec's tongue was in Magnus' mouth again, because how could he remember words when there was kissing. Magnus agreed completely, he could barely remember how to walk, even though he knew he needed to figure it out if they were going to make it to something they'd both fit on that wouldn't give them rug-burn.

"Bed."

Alec nodded, and managed to pull Magnus along for several steps, long enough to take an actual breath, long enough that momentum got them the rest of the way and Magnus didn't have to think about how knees worked.

Who needed knees.

Not him, not once they'd made it, not once he was flat on the bed with Alec on top of him. His back curved, and the weight of Alec's chest against his held him in place, and he groaned, his eyes closing as he surrendered to it, the pressure and the pleasure, to Alexander, _alive,_ to Alexander, _here._

To Alexander, _kissing him._

Alec lifted up on his elbows, and Magnus whined in distress, wrapping his arms around Alec to pull him back down. He sighed as he felt Alec settle, a hint of a questioning hum caught in his mouth. He was heavy enough Magnus had to think about each breath, felt each inhale push against the pressure, each exhale let it sink into him again, warm and steady.

"I missed you," Magnus whispered. He lifted his chin as Alec's mouth shifted just enough to kiss under Magnus' jaw. "Don't, I don't want you that far away, never again."

"I'll always come back, we'll always come back together."

"You can't promise that." Magnus had to close his eyes, had to focus on the feel of Alec's body against his own, on Alec's lips so close to the burn in his throat, the throb of his pulse in his neck. 

"I can promise I'll do everything I can to make it true." 

There was a gentle scrape of teeth right at the edge of Magnus' jaw. Magnus' fingers curled and his body tried to lift and he was trapped, pinned between Alec and the bed. It was the first time in a week he hadn't felt one stumble away from breaking into pieces. The knot in his back loosened more, the ache between his shoulders trembled, and he groaned out his surrender.

"Magnus." Alec's voice was rough, whispered against Magnus' ear. It made Magnus want to shiver, but he couldn't, not even that, and it twisted somewhere inside him, turning into heat and pressure, just a tiny extra bit more than it had been. "I want to touch you."

Magnus managed to nod his agreement. 

Alec's laughed softly against Magnus' neck, which added another flicker of heat to the rest. "You have to let me go if you want me to be able to take our clothes off."

Magnus shook his head, and his arms tightened around Alec.

"Are you sure about that?" Alec asked. Magnus could hear the slide of Alec's arms against the sheets, feel a slight shift of his weight, and then his hips rolled, pushing down against Magnus' cock, sending heat sparking everywhere. Alec pushed back against an aborted jerk of Magnus' hips when there wasn't room to move, and Magnus' arms almost lost their grip and his mouth opened on a gasp. 

Alec did it again, and _hells,_ it was hard to do anything, _he was hard,_ heat and weight and Alec everywhere, muscles tense and burning beneath his skin. Magnus could hear the sharp-edged keen lining his own breath, every desperate inhalation as he tried to remember words. "That's why I have magic?"

"Let me take care of you, Magnus."

Oh.

_Oh._

Magnus sighed, and the last of the tension in his back was gone, and he opened his eyes to see Alec, right there, smiling at him. "I love you."

Alec's smile quirked sideways, and his breath was warm as he hovered right above Magnus' mouth. "I'll take that as a yes."

 _Mmm-hmmm._ Magnus met Alec in another kiss, slow and deep, until they were breathing together between each slip of a tongue, each press of lips, until he could feel Alec's heartbeat as an exact echo of his own, a hard thump where their chests were pressed together.

He let his arms slip free and fall onto the bed. 

"Thank you," Alec's voice was barely loud enough to be a murmur, but it warmed Magnus' heart nonetheless. He kissed Magnus' cheek, then the base of his jaw right under his ear, and then he slipped Magnus' ear cuff off and kissed the newly revealed curve of skin. 

Alec sat up and reached an arm behind his head to pull his shirt off and throw it to the floor.

"Is that part of taking care of me?" Magnus almost smiled.

"I don't know, is it?" Alec leaned over again and kissed Magnus on the cheek. "You seem to like it."

Magnus shrugged, but he felt his smile settle. He did, indeed, like Alec without his shirt.

Next he started on Magnus' rings. He commented on some of them, _haven't seen this one since Japan,_ or _this one always catches the light, it's one of my favorites,_ and after each one slid off, he brushed a quick kiss against the skin to replace the solid weight of the metal. One of Magnus' bracelets snapped too hard against his skin before Alec pulled it off, and for that Alec lingered with his kiss, his lips warm and soothing on the inside of Magnus' wrist until he shivered. 

Alec did much the same again with his necklaces, carefully spinning them around until he could undo the clasp and slide them free, one by one. 

"You're so beautiful." Alec's hand rested on his neck, the weight of his forehead against Magnus' temple, his breath whispering down across Magnus' ear. "So amazing."

Magnus started to shake his head, but Alec sat up again, put one finger against Magnus' lips. "Shhhh. I'm taking care of you, this is part of it."

Magnus closed his eyes, and nodded. 

Alec trailed his fingers down the front of Magnus' neck, sideways along the edge of his collarbone, just under the collar of his shirt and then back to the middle, hooking under the top button.

Alec undid it so slowly that Magnus' heart burned, so carefully that Magnus couldn't even feel the fabric move, not until Alec parted it with his fingertips and leaned down to drop a short flick of a kiss onto the exposed skin.

"I love touching your skin."

The achingly gentle slide of Alec's fingers continued down the middle of Magnus' chest until he reached the next button, and undid it just as slowly and carefully, finished with the same soft sweet kiss. "You're always so warm against my fingers, my lips."

Another trail of fingers, another button, another kiss. "I can feel your breath catch when I kiss you."

Another, another, another. "It's one of my favorite sounds."

Magnus could feel the tears in his eyes, the beat of his heart, the heat beneath his skin blooming hotter with every touch of Alec's lips.

Another, soft against the skin of his stomach. "I can feel the tension under your skin."

His heart felt unsteady, his lungs too full, he couldn't focus on any one thing, couldn't ignore the rest, couldn't relax into Alec's touch, into his voice. 

Another, just above the line of his belt. "Let it go, Magnus."

Magnus' hips lifted toward Alec's voice, but he clenched his hands and he shook his head and his eyes were burning in the darkness behind his closed eyelids.

"Let it go, love, I'm here." Alec's voice was steady. His hands were under Magnus' shirt, the familiar pattern of his callouses pressed to Magnus' stomach. There was one soft stroke of a thumb before they moved, up and out, pushing his shirt off his body until the fabric settled between his ribs and arms. 

Alec's hands kept moving up, pushing gently against Magnus throat until they reached his jaw, and Magnus could feel Alec above him, Alec's hands cupping his face, Alec's breath warm against his mouth. "I'm here."

The tears won, Magnus let out a broken sob, the heat won, he reached behind Alec's shoulders and pulled them together, lifting his chin to push their mouths into a messy kiss. 

Magnus couldn't stop kissing him, reaching up to be closer, reaching with arms and mouth and breath and words. "Alexander."

"I love you."

"I love you, so much."

He couldn't stop crying, ugly and messy and when it got too much for words, for breathing, he pressed his forehead to Alec's shoulder and tried to swallow it all back down.

"Shh." Alec put his hand on the back of Magnus' head, fingers spread wide and palm warm, cradling him as he rolled them both onto their sides. "It's all right."

"I know!" Magnus almost swore, one fist pressed against Alec's chest, pushing too hard to be comfortable for either of them. "You're here, we're both here, why can't I—"

"I meant it's all right to cry."

Alec pressed a kiss to Magnus' temple, and he gave in and let out another sob, pressed himself harder against Alec and cried. Alec's fingers stayed cradling his head, and he kept whispering, _it's all right, I love you too._ Magnus stopped being able to understand the words, but still he heard Alec's voice, soft and soothing, on and on.

His head hurt, and he was sniffing and dripping all over Alec's shoulder, but he didn't give himself the hiccups from trying to hold it in again, and by the time he could breathe again something in his chest did feel better. 

"There we are." Alec's voice sounded rough, and Magnus wondered how long he'd been talking, how much time Magnus had lost. Before he could think to ask, Alec lifted Magnus' face and kissed him softly. "I'll be right back."

He slipped out of bed, and Magnus blinked. His eyelids felt swollen, and _hells_ he probably had mascara everywhere it was possible to get mascara.

"Here we are." Alec nudged Magnus up onto his pillows, and started wiping his face with a warm washcloth. 

It felt nice. Magnus carefully didn't look at it to see how black it was turning.

"And now." Alec held out a glass of water and lifted his eyebrows emphatically.

Alec had a good glare.

Magnus rolled his eyes, which kind of hurt, emphasizing Alec's point, and he took the glass and sipped.

Alec smiled at him, apparently pleased he was taking care of himself, and that was entirely worth feeling vaguely like a recalcitrant five-year-old. 

Getting herded into the bathroom and then into pajamas was slightly less worth it, right up until they were back in bed and he had his head on Alec's chest and Alec's arm around his shoulders, and he'd never felt so warm and comfortable before. He hummed something that was almost a goodnight, and was asleep before he'd even realized he hadn't managed words.


	7. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [[tumblr](http://faejilly.tumblr.com/post/174177168353)]

Magnus couldn't stop touching Alexander.

Not that there was any particular reason to stop. 

He woke up wrapped around him, still warm and still comfortable, and rubbed his nose against the back of Alec's neck.

Alec made a pleased grumbling sort of sound, and turned around in Magnus' arms, and kissed him.

It was a good kiss, soft and lingering. Magnus kissed him back, and ran his hands against every bit of skin he could reach, until their kissing wasn't remotely soft any more, but hard, and fast, with more than a hint of teeth. 

Magnus was tugging too hard on Alec's hair, and he could feel Alec's nails down his ribs, and he scraped his teeth down Alec's deflection rune just to hear him moan. 

"You know what I just realized?" Alec's mouth was close enough to his ear that Magnus could feel his lips move, and his breath caught when Alec flicked his tongue inside his ear. "I have an entire week of cock-sucking to make up to you."

Magnus' breath tried to stutter again, but he was too delighted to let it. "You're still spoiling me, aren't you?"

"Always." He felt Alec smile against his cheek before he started kissing his way down Magnus' throat and chest. Magnus attempted to push, _just a bit,_ just enough to encourage him to go faster, and Alec stopped, kissing a spot right below Magnus' ribs for an eternity, until Magnus huffed out a breath and let go of his hair and slapped his hands on the bed in surrender. 

Alec laughed against Magnus' skin, _oh, this is all right then,_ and obligingly reached for Magnus' waistband, removing everything in one carefully studied maneuver, leaving Magnus naked and half-hard, his hips shifting back and forth impatiently.

Alec put his hands on Magnus' thighs, a slight flex of his fingers enough to make Magnus spread his legs further apart, giving Alec room to settle between them. He ducked his head all the way to the mattress and started with Magnus' balls, taking one entirely in his mouth—Magnus made an entirely unsexy gurgling sound in the back of his throat, but _fuck—_ and rolling it softly around his lips with his tongue. He moved to the other one, and did it again, sucking gently all the while. He let go, exhaled, warm breath on damp skin, and then he gave one hard lick up the length of Magnus' cock, a swirl of his tongue around the tip, a lick, up and down as Magnus tried and failed to hold himself still. He didn't even try to keep each ragged breath quiet, until Alec moved back down again, this time with Magnus' cock between his lips.

"Alexander." Magnus' hips bucked up, and his hands gripped the sheets and the pressure was already building from the feel of Alec's mouth, hot and wet, and the press of his tongue, and the shift of his throat as he swallowed. Magnus' balls felt heavy and his skin stretched thin, he felt stretched thin, aching and fragile, away and away, the heat of him only existing between Alec's lips.

Alec's hands moved up from Magnus' thighs to brace his hips, and he lifted his head all the way off,and Magnus' whole body tried to follow, hips and thighs and even his voice, which whined wordlessly and desperately up about an octave before Magnus managed to stop it.

Alec's thumbs moved in careful circles on Magnus' hips, which was equal parts soothing and excruciating, but did help his heart slow down enough that he no longer felt like he was about to explode.

It took another moment for his lungs to cooperate, and then his eyes, and he looked at Alec, whose eyes were dark and lips flushed, red and full. By then, while he was still very much hard, Magnus was no longer right on the precipice. 

"That was day one." Alec's voice was low and rough, and he licked his lips as he spoke, and that was just _mean._

He lifted his eyebrows, clearly waiting, and Magnus had to think back and—

Oh. Fuck. "Yes."

Alec's face did a thing, lowering his brows and firming his jaw and parting his lips on a sigh and _wow._

"I love you."

Alec's smile quirked sideways into a smirk. "Let's see if you still say that by day six."

Magnus might have had to swallow a whimper. Maybe.

"Don't move." Alec pointed at him with his chin. "No touching."

Magnus' hands clenched the sheets again, and he nodded. Alec slithered sideways to reach the bedside table and open the drawer. 

The lube made an obscene squelch as he squirted some into his palm, but Magnus hadn't even managed to smile at the sound before Alec wrapped his hand around the base of Magnus' cock.

Magnus shouted and squirmed, _so cold,_ and never quite got his breath back, not even as the lube warmed between his cock and Alec's hand, not ever through all the time Alec stroked him, up and down, just fast enough but never quite hard enough, a tug on his foreskin and then back to his balls, around and up and down and _oh yes, Alexander._ Alec gave one last low squeeze before letting go, and Magnus almost sobbed, almost came apart from the shock of cooler air when Alec's hand moved away, but couldn't quite make it.

"Two," Alec whispered, as he wiped his hand on the sheet. 

_I love you,_ Magnus mouthed.

"You're so breathtaking." Alec shifted sideways, a hand trailing up Magnus' side until all of Alec followed, and he was stretched out next to Magnus on the bed. For a moment he lay there, breath barely audible, and Magnus could feel the weight of Alec's gaze on his skin. "However did I get so lucky as to find you?"

Philosophy was much too difficult for the current state of Magnus' brain, but he had an easy answer for that one. "We found each other."

"We did, didn't we?" 

Alec's fingers slid beneath Magnus' chin, and Magnus turned and fell into more Alexander kisses, deep enough that he thought he would drown. No breath, no thought, nothing but heat and want and skin and lips, closer and closer, close enough Magnus could move his hips and his cock slid against the cotton above Alec's thigh, his hip, one achingly perfect drag against the hard line of Alec's cock beneath his pants, and then another, even better. Their bodies slid together easily, hips rolling and chests pressed tight, the almost itch of Alec's hair, the feel of Alec's breath and tongue inside Magnus' mouth, the slide of skin just starting to turn slick from sweat.

Magnus rolled his hips harder, groaned and clung to Alec's arms, sparks dancing beneath his skin, behind his eyes, his body hot and his cock tight, and Alec _pushed._ He rolled Magnus onto his back and sat up on his knees, and Magnus thrust helpless up into the air after him before he could stop himself. 

"Damnit." Magnus thumped his head back on the bed, hard, and clutched desperately at the sheets again to stop himself from grabbing. Himself or Alec, he wasn't quite sure.

"Look at you, trying to steal third." Alec's voice was ragged, but it lifted with amusement, and Magnus groaned for an entirely different reason.

"That was awful _._ "

"It was, wasn't it." Alec sounded quite pleased with himself.

"I hate you."

"No, you don't." Alec's hands were on Magnus' thighs again, circling thumbs and warm palms. "But you only made it halfway to six before you stopped saying you loved me _._ " 

Magnus rolled his eyes.

Alec's hands stilled, and his voice dropped, lower and softer, the lilt of a tease no longer audible. "Still good?"

Magnus inhaled, hard. He could feel the ache in his cock all the way down to his toes _,_ the burn of frustration all the way up his spine. He nodded. "Good."

"Can you keep your hands to yourself, or do you want me to tie them?"

"Uh." Magnus' world went blurry at the thought. "Both?"

Alec groaned, and it was nice to know Magnus wasn't the only one being tormented. 

"We can do that." Alec sounded breathless. Magnus shivered. 

"We are going to do that." Alec's voice steadied, and Magnus watched Alec narrow his eyes as he looked down at him. It was calculating. He had a plan. 

"We are going to do so many things." Alec smiled, and it was a bit evil, and a lot hot, and maybe slightly terrifying. He maneuvered himself out from between Magnus' legs, and then up to straddle Magnus' stomach.

It felt nice, weight and warmth, even if he was too far up to help with the aching cock problem. Magnus' hips curled up anyways, just to make the attempt, and when it didn't work he put his hands on Alec's thighs, and sighed as his fingers pressed against muscle. 

It was that or palm Alec's cock, visibly hard beneath his pajama pants, which probably wasn't the plan. _No touching_.

Yet.

Alec picked up one of Magnus' hands, and lifted it to his mouth, turning it enough to kiss his pulse on the inside of his wrist. He stayed there, and Magnus could feel Alec's breath against the base of his palm. 

Alec tilted his head so he could look down at Magnus' face, just enough space left past his mouth to slide his thumb against Magnus' wrist. 

"I'm going to knot the tie right here." He rubbed his thumb back and forth, pushed against Magnus' pulse until Magnus could feel it in his wrist, the thready uneven stutter of his heartbeat. "Just tight enough you can feel your heartbeat against the silk."

He lifted Magnus' other hand too, turned his head to kiss another wrist, another pulse, pressed his tongue as if in warning before he let his teeth scrape _just so._ Magnus lifted his chin, aware of his heartbeat fluttering in his wrists, his throat, his chest, his cock _._

Alec leaned forward, holding Magnus' arms. He stretched up and forward, and Magnus could feel the base of Alec's cock against his stomach, could see how tight Alec's stomach was as he controlled his lean. Magnus tried to breathe, heard the whine of his inhalation even as he kept watching Alec's careful fall, until the back of Magnus' hands landed on the bed above his head, Alec's hands around his wrists, Alec's body heavy and hot just above his own, his cock a hard line, high enough against Magnus' stomach to almost hit his ribs.

Magnus lifted his chin, leaned into the stretch, let his arms go higher until he felt it in the lift of his ribs, the ache in his hips, the curl of his toes. 

Alec hummed appreciatively, his hips rolling as he adjusted to Magnus' movements. 

"Do you know why I want you like this?" Alec's hands gripped tighter. "Your arms above your head rather than spread?" 

Magnus had his suspicions, but he shook his head.

"Once you're tied up, I'm going to turn you over, and spread your ass with my hands, and _lick._ "

Magnus closed his eyes.

"Can you come just from my tongue inside you, do you think? Should we find out?" Alec's voice dropped lower in pitch. "Or will it just build and build, until you've forgotten what release even feels like, until it's burning under your skin and you'd do anything for some relief?"

Alec's hips shifted back and forth as he spoke, rutting against Magnus' stomach, even as Magnus kept trying to curve his body closer, until his stomach was rubbing against Alec's thighs, pushing up into Alec's cock, over and over, desperate for a touch.

"I'm not going to give it to you, you know. If you get too close, I'm going to stop." Alec stopped then, weight settling back down as he kept his hips still, his thighs steady. Even his breath was quiet again as he waited. He waited until Magnus stopped squirming, until Magnus managed to slow his own breathing down.

Alec leaned in, his cock pushing harder and his voice getting thinner and his breath hot against Magnus' face. "I'll use my fingers next, curl them inside you just the way you like, until you're swearing. Until you'd swear you're dying. Until there's nothing left inside either of us but want, our bodies shaking with it."

Magnus' body was shaking with it now, curling up and down like he was lost at sea, storm-tossed and wind-wrecked.

"Only then, will I finally put my cock inside you. Magnus," Alec's voice broke, and Magnus' whole body jerked, "it's going to be so good for you, so good for us."

Alec curled even closer to press a messy kiss against Magnus' jaw. "You're going to feel so full, full of me, so deep inside you. I'm going to stay there, stay with you, until you can't bear it anymore." 

Magnus lifted his head, strained closer to kiss Alec with a swipe of his tongue, quick and graceless, before dropping back down to the bed. 

"When you finally come apart it'll feel like it lasts forever." Alec's voice was shaking, rushing forward as if he was afraid he couldn't get it all out. "You're going to feel like you're coming for _days,_ like I've been inside you for longer than I was gone. When you finally think you're done I'll make it last even longer with one, hard, thrust."

Alec's hips jerked on his final word, and he kissed under the line of Magnus' jaw, teeth and lips. Magnus' eyes rolled back and his whole body curved up, up, high enough that he felt Alec's knees leave the bed, felt his whole weight settle on Magnus' stomach, stopping his breath as the world went white, and he almost came before he collapsed back down on the bed.

Alec groaned. Magnus could feel him trembling above him. Magnus could feel the hard erratic beat of his heart against Alec's hands, still pressed to Magnus' wrists. 

"Hngh," was about the best that Magnus could manage, a complete failure of a word as his body shuddered and his brain stuttered.

Alec's weight lifted off him, and he couldn't even groan. He felt wrung-out and half-blind, and the murmur of Alec's voice right in his ear helped not at all. "Four."

There was a faint whisper of fabric as he stripped off his pants somewhere to Magnus' side, and then he proceeded to do exactly what he'd promised. 

The silk was cool against Magnus' wrist, the knot even and secure, not too tight, a familiar shape that he knew how to untie with or without magic, just in case. It tugged, a pleasant push and pull of the knot into his skin, and then the stretch of the tie _up_ as Alec looped the middle around the anchor at the corner of the bed and came back down to tie the same precise knot in the same precise spot on Magnus' other wrist.

Magnus wrapped his hands around the silk and tugged, adjusting the pressure, adjusting the pull, and sighed as Alec's fingers trailed gently down his arms now that he was done.

Now that he was beginning?

"I brought something extra back," Alec said, even as his hands encouraged Magnus to roll onto his side. Over again, not just onto his stomach, or his elbows and knees, but a wedge pillow. It held Magnus' hips up, his head down on the bed, elbows spread and silk tie taut between his fingers, pushing against his wrists. He was on display, vulnerable and secure, both at once, both for Alec, too much blood to his head, _his heads,_ not enough anywhere else. 

Alec's hand pressed between Magnus' shoulder blades, rubbing a short stroke up and down. Magnus tried to roll his hips, and Alec clicked his tongue. "Can't make it too easy for you, can we?"

Magnus was too far up to rub himself on the bed, too far back to reach the pillow, to well stretched to have any leverage to adjust any of it, to do anything but lie there, dizzy and aching, and take whatever Alec wanted to do to him. 

It felt so good, like being drunk on champagne at New Year's, waiting for the clock to chime. He hoped his half-groaned, half-sighed, "thank fuck," made that appropriately obvious to Alexander.

Alec replaced his hand with his mouth, and worked his way down Magnus' spine with his tongue.

Even knowing exactly where he was going, exactly what he was planning on doing, didn't prepare Magnus for the feeling of Alec's mouth as he kept going past the base of his spine. He couldn't stop his back from arching, lifting his head off the bed and pushing his ass against Alec's face with a low grunt, trying to move into the sensation, trying to prolong that first swipe of Alec's tongue.

Alec stayed slow, and soft, circling and teasing. There was heat beneath Magnus' skin, heat pressing down on him, heavier and heavier, like he was falling, like he was drowning, but he didn't fight it. He eased into it, just as Alec eased his tongue inside Magnus' body and Magnus groaned. Still the pressure grew, but there was no hard twist of anticipation building behind his balls, this was warm and heavy as the tide, building, and building, and building.

He let himself sink, deeper and hotter, until every push of Alec's tongue inside him made his whole body spark and sizzle, and still he was drowning beneath the weight of it all, his breath hitching in his chest because he couldn't get enough air, because he was desperate for something, anything.

Which was of course when Alec pulled back and lifted his head, and Magnus' exhaled with a whine, his body trembling. 

Alec's hands rubbed up over Magnus' ass to the small of his back, back down again along the line of his thighs, up, pushing firmly with his fingers, down, slow and steady, until Magnus' breathing matched his pace, until Magnus' heart matched, until Magnus' cock stopped twitching in an involuntary search for contact.

"Five." Alec's voice was deep and rough and Magnus' hips jerked at the sound of it, and he wasn't sure either of them were going to survive through six. 

Especially not when the first slow press of Alec's lubed finger inside him made Magnus' back bow again, sparks up his spine and white behind his eyes, and he almost bit his tongue when he surprised himself with the noise he made, sharp and sudden. 

Alec's body jerked behind him, and he slid his finger free, and then he bit the curve of Magnus' ass, not hard, but _holy fuck._ Magnus groaned and bucked and lost his grip on the silk ties and pressed his forehead to the bed as his arms pulled tight and his heart thumped hard enough it almost felt like it stopped. 

"Not. Helping." Magnus managed, though he was talking mostly into the sheet caught between his teeth.

Alec made an apologetic noise that was half a whimper, and _words, how._

Alec moved to untie Magnus' hands, moving them back closer to his body, and Magnus sighed as the stretch relaxed and the pull in his arms gave way. Alec's hands settled on Magnus' shoulders, fingers digging in, small hard circles. The circles grew bigger, his hands moving across Magnus' back, down his spine, easing him back down, deep into the warm, welcoming depths of his own arousal.

That time Magnus could take his finger and it was good, another tick of heat, another wave of pressure, a hint of anticipation shivering in his throat. Another finger, the sweet-slick glide of more lube warming inside him, and oh, there was that tension, that want.

"Yes," Magnus heard himself whisper. Alec twisted, and he spread his fingers _,_ but he didn't fuck him, just teased, on and on, until Magnus felt the shudder in his stomach, along his spine, until he really was swearing, steadily, breathlessly, in time to each futile curl of his hips. "Fuck, Alexander, fuck." He couldn't catch his breath, his thoughts. "Please." 

At the _please_ Alec pulled his fingers free, and Magnus clawed at the bed, trying to brace, trying to push back, trying to do _anything._

"Six," Alec's voice was barely a voice at all, a hiss of air through his lips at the same moment Magnus finally felt the head of Alec's cock push inside him, tight and scaldingly hot. Alec leaned in, his cock easing in, hard and full. Alec moved the barest shift closer, then more, and Magnus' felt hollowed out with want, with anticipation, nothing left inside him but the beat of his heart and the fire licking his skin and space for Alexander. Space Alec took, space Alec claimed, achingly slowly. 

Magnus was panting, he felt like there wasn't room left for his lungs, for air, not by the time he felt Alec slow, felt one more shift inside him as Alec's hips pressed against Magnus' ass, as he settled all the way in.

Magnus tried to rock back onto Alec's hips, tried to move, back and forth, but instead Alec leaned forward, his cock somehow shifting even lower, even deeper, and Magnus couldn't get a groan past the wave of feeling through his body. 

Alec kept going, deeper and tighter and his back pressed to Magnus' and his weight settling, gloriously heavy all the way down Magnus' spine, his arms on Magnus' arms, his fingers around Magnus' hands, his breath in Magnus' ear. He did something with his knees, a shift of angle, and _there._ Magnus keened, it felt like lightning, like a crash of surf, all the way through his body, and the jerk up his spine was held down by Alec's chest, meaning it had nowhere else to go but down, but in, and he clenched so hard around Alec's cock the world went black behind his eyes. 

He was drowning, he was burning, he was safe in Alec's arms. The weight around him built, moved, waited to crash. The embers inside him sparked and sputtered, waiting to blaze free. He felt Alexander, everywhere, everything, filling him up on the inside and surrounding him from the outside.

Alec didn't pull back out, kept his hips rolling back and forth, just a small shift, devastating, back and forth, _right there,_ and Magnus' heart stuttered each time, his breath hitched in time with Alec's cock. Each time was another wave rising beneath his skin, another spark added to his heart, closer and closer, a hiss like steam through his throat as they almost crested, almost flared.

"I can feel how close you are." Alec's whisper made him tremble. Alec's hands gripped his, grounded him, held him together. "Can you come just from this?" His hips circled, and Magnus' eyes closed and he was almost there, _almost there,_ so close Magnus could feel it, waiting, so close he could taste it on the back of his tongue _._ "Or do you need me to touch you?"

Magnus' hands clenched around Alec's fingers, _this, this,_ he didn't want to lose him, couldn't bear the thought of any distance between their skin, not even for the relief of his hand on his cock. "Stay."

"Magnus," Alec whispered, as if he'd forgotten every other word he'd ever known, and had to put them all into Magnus' name. The rhythm of his hips stuttered, as if it was almost too much. Alec inhaled, his chest pushing even harder against Magnus' back. Alec exhaled, hot breath past Magnus' ear, and his legs shifted as he steadied.

"You feel so amazing, your body holding mine so tight, and I can feel it when I hit you _just—_ " Alec's hips didn't roll but thrust, sharper than last time, and Magnus somehow found just enough air to gasp, just enough give in the pillow beneath him to jerk "— _right._ "

Magnus could feel it rolling through him, could feel the heat rise, but it was slow, burning up from somewhere so deep inside him it took time to reach his balls, his cock, his skin. Alec was still moving inside him, adding extra waves of pleasure, extra sparks of joy.

Magnus gave in, at last, the crash of all that pleasure, that pressure, the escape of all those sparks, all at once, so good he felt it to his fingertips, his toes, felt his hips curve and his spine bend and his heart break and heal, all at once. He felt his whole body jerk forward as he came, _and came,_ his mouth open to groan but no sound coming out. 

Alec curled tightly above him, riding it out, and out, still hard, each shiver through Magnus' body making him feel Alec's cock inside him, again, _again,_ an extra push to keep it going, until his body started to shake and his legs started to sag. Alec finally moved, pulling back fast enough Magnus felt the drag of his cock inside him, and then forward, harder, harder, and Magnus' body shuddered, one last echo, as he felt Alec let go.

Breathing.

Was probably something he should remember how to do?

Alec was heavy across his back, and Magnus' hips were sore, and his mind felt _empty,_ and he never wanted to move again.

Alec grunted as he shifted his weight, and he managed to slither one arm under Magnus' stomach, and pull up, just enough to grab the pillow out from under them and chuck it off the bed. With nothing there to support them, they collapsed, half sideways, half down, and it took an embarrassing amount of effort to settle on his side, Alec's chest to his back, Alec's arm draped across his stomach.

Breathing was good. It took a while, but he remembered breathing. 

Magnus sighed, and rested his arm over Alec's. "You are such an overachiever."

Alec made an affronted noise behind his shoulder, and Magnus smiled. He knew exactly what face Alec made to go with that noise. 

Magnus wiggled mostly onto his back so he could look over at Alec, sprawled half on a pillow, his arm under Magnus' head. "You were only gone five days, you didn't have to do six."

"Was I too much for you?" Alec smiled, warm and teasing.

"Never." Magnus pursed his lips in a long-distance kiss. "I just thought I should point it out to you."

"I could leave for a day right now if that's so important to you."

Magnus scoffed. 

Alec grinned and lifted himself up on his elbow so he could lean over and kiss the tip of Magnus' nose. Magnus tried to swat at him, but Alec flopped back down and Magnus' hand waved through the air in front of his face.

"You're right, I couldn't." Alec grunted. "I don't think I can walk, either."

Magnus hummed agreement. "We really need a shower."

"But standing." Alec dragged the words out to about twice their usual length.

"Exactly." Magnus wiggled his fingers, watched a few blue sparks float up into the air. "I can't even think well enough to picture the inside of the linen closet to get new sheets."

"Really?" Alec sounded a not entirely unreasonable amount of smug, but Magnus rolled his head in Alec's general direction and stuck out his tongue.

Which was apparently a challenge, because next thing he knew Alec's mouth was on his, his tongue following Magnus' back into his mouth. His lips and tongue moved slowly, leisurely, and his palm came to rest against Magnus' jaw. 

"Hmmm." Magnus let his slow hum of contentment make its way into Alec's mouth. "Who needs showers, let's just do this all day."

He felt Alec smile against his lips before he kissed him again. Magnus was going to take that as agreement.

They did eventually clean up. They even left the bedroom. 

Magnus couldn't stop touching Alec, though. He kept holding his hand, bumping against his shoulder, brushing against his side, letting his hand trail across his shoulders or his back as he passed. His knee was pressed against Alec's thigh under the table as they ate, and occasionally he shifted his leg to let his foot rest on top of Alec's for a moment before he pulled it back. 

It was like he had to keep checking _._

Just in case. 

Alec didn't seem to mind. He'd pulled Magnus into at least a half-a-dozen more hugs than usual, and they were only at breakfast. Well, brunch. At presumably dinner time.

It had been a rough week.

Occasionally Magnus would just stop, and look, and Alec would wait, looking back, content to be quiet together. It was perfect. It made Magnus' chest ache. 

But he wasn't the only one who'd had a rough week.

"We have to go to the Institute." 

Alec pursed his lips, a bit of a frown starting to form. "I think I can take the night off, Magnus."

"Not to work." Magnus shook his head. Alec really had no idea, did he? "They need to see you."

"Oh." The frown didn't quite go away, but he shrugged. "I suppose that makes sense."

 _You suppose._ Magnus shook his head. "You're important to people, Alexander."

Alec smiled and ducked his head. Magnus could tell he still didn't really believe it, not the way Magnus meant it. This might be an enlightening trip.

It started as soon as they stepped out of the portal, before they'd even gone up the steps. 

"Sir!" 

Alec turned at the voice, looking at the sentry who'd come up behind them. "Yes, Nathan?"

Nathan's eyes went wide, as if he hadn't actually planned anything, and then he stuck his hand out for Alec to shake. Alec did, and even mostly managed to keep his confusion off his face. "Is everything all right?"

"Of course. It's..." Nathan nodded. "It's good to see you."

"Oh." Magnus could almost hear Alec blink. "Thank you." 

"You're welcome, sir." Nathan pulled his hand back, as if only realizing now he'd forgotten to let go. He nodded, short and sharp, and turned around and went back to his post.

Alec did the thing where he almost drew back his head, almost shook it, as if trying to get his thoughts to line up back where they ought to have been. It didn't look like it worked, a faint frown still visible between his brows. 

They walked inside, and a young woman with glasses dropped her tablet, kicked it in her attempt to step over it, and practically fell against Alec to give him a hug. He froze for a second, arms awkwardly raised and floating just above her back, and she pushed back before he'd figured out what to do. "I'm sorry, sir, it's just, I'm sorry, and I never got the chance to tell you, and thank you." Her voice lifted until it was almost a squeak. She turned around, grabbed her tablet off the floor, and sprinted out of the hall.

Alec stood there for a moment. Magnus smiled, and let his hand settle on the small of Alec's back to encourage him to start walking again.

No one else tried to hug Alec, but he could only take about two steps before someone greeted him, or thanked him, or hovered awkwardly, clearly fighting the urge to touch, to prove to themselves that he was real. There were a few who just stared wide-eyed, and one young man's eyes were suspiciously bright before he turned around and practically quick-marched out of sight.

There were some glares, some sideways glances, but they were so clearly in the minority that it was telling.

They made it to Alec's office, and Alec stopped in the doorway, blocking Magnus' view. Magnus poked him between the shoulder-blades, and he jerked. Alec stepped back instead of forward, turning to look at Magnus with the most beautifully bewildered expression Magnus had ever seen. 

Magnus stepped around him into the office, and covered his mouth, feeling the damp in his eyes. There were flowers everywhere, almost all of them yellow. 

_Joy and thankfulness._ Possibly as close as Shadowhunters could get to gold, as well.

Magnus wished he'd thought of that; he could have filled the loft with a rainbow of roses and still not capture how grateful he was to have Alexander back, how much he loved him.

He stepped around the office, taking a closer look. There were several bunches growing together up a single stem with petals spread wide, small sharp eight-pointed blossoms, rounder five-petaled stars surrounded by heart-shaped leaves, the long petals and stamens of a fall of honeysuckle, a smattering of roses, and a six foot sunflower in a pot next to the window. _Still shorter than my Alexander._

There were carnations and gerberas and chrysanthemums. He could smell a whiff of jasmine somewhere too, even through the honeysuckle, though he hadn't found it yet.

"What?" Alec had finally made it in, and was standing in the middle of the room, his hands spreading awkwardly as if he didn't know what to do with them. 

He paused in his halting almost spin and leaned down to look at the card on some roses. He looked back up at Magnus. "This one's from the Consul _._ "

"She led your service." Magnus said, and felt the tears in his eyes again. _I said goodbye, I should never have said goodbye._

Alec's shoulders did an awkward almost shrug; he still wasn't sure what to think about the fact he'd had a funeral. Magnus suspected that it was the _very well-attended_ part more than the actual service that was troubling him.

Shadowhunters were raised to expect to sacrifice themselves.

Not so prepared to be appreciated for it.

There was a knock on the half-open door, and the sandy-haired Shadowhunter who'd so neatly managed Robert came in, another pot in his hands. It held a small round ball of white blossoms, hints of pink showing through from the inside. He placed it on Alec's desk, and turned with a truly brilliant smile.

"I am so glad to see you, sir."

Alec reached out a hand, as if to shake, but when the man took it he pulled him into a hug. Magnus caught a glimpse of his face, his eyes closed too tight, and it ached, a pleasant twist in his chest, to know that Alec was appreciated here, for all Alec didn't seem to understand it.

Alec stepped back, shaking his head. "You're Head of Security, Underhill, you don't have to deliver flowers."

Underhill smiled, a half a lift on one side of his mouth that was, for a second, shockingly like Alec in its careful amusement. "Those are from me." 

He leaned over to look past Alec's shoulder, nodded to Magnus, and left the room.

"I like him." Magnus said, and coughed to stop himself from laughing at the look on Alec's face as he turned around. 

"So do I?" It was clear the question wasn't about Underhill.

Magnus stepped closer and put his hands on Alec's cheeks. "We love you." Magnus kissed him, a careful quiet brush of their lips, and then he breathed out against Alec's mouth. "Why is that so hard to believe?"

"I haven't done anything like..." Alec's hands spread further apart. "Nothing that means this. I just try to do my job?"

"Oh, love. You're changing the world."

Alec tried to shake his head, though Magnus was still holding him too close for him to manage it.

"You do. Every day the world's a little better than it was the day before, because you refuse to let it change you."

Alec closed his eyes, as if he didn't know how to accept that, and Magnus waited until he opened them again before he continued.

"Even more than that." Magnus had trouble keeping his voice steady, had to let it drop until it was barely a whisper against Alec's face. "You expect the same of everyone else, and almost despite ourselves, we do it."

"Magnus," Alec's voice wavered, but he kept going. "I've failed so many times, so many people."

Magnus kissed him, blocked whatever excuse might have come next. "Everyone fails. You keep going afterwards."

"That's not enough."

"That's everything." Magnus kissed him again, as softly as he could stand, until he felt the tension in Alec's neck give, until Alec leaned into the kiss as well.

He didn't think Alec believed him, not yet, but he'd stopped fighting the fact that Magnus believed it. 

They'd get there.

They had this second chance to make sure of it.


End file.
